


Because of You

by Shanblue



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Consent, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Kuroo is the same age as Tsukki in this, M/M, Making Out, Multi, Past Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:01:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3841531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shanblue/pseuds/Shanblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kei realized at an early age that the direction his life took was out of his control. He stopped trying. Kuroo Tetsurou helped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm Shannon. I'm back with another Haikyuu!! fic. This fic has mature themes that I have posted online a bit bravely. I hope that in your comments, you take the subject matter of this fiction seriously. If you have any questions for me about why I may be writing this, or how explicit the story gets, please feel free to leave a comment or email me at shanging1@gmail.com  
> Also: for returning readers, I changed the format of the first few chapters, so I advise you to reread. I took away some of the information that I had previously given you at the beginning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima's life, although, dull, was perfectly fine for him.

**She Stirred up Settled Dirt**

Tsukishima never enjoyed playing the game. The game of life, that is. He would always watch as his classmates smiled and waved, those sickly sweet grins plastered like masks upon their gruesome, conniving faces. He never trusted them. Too many times had he witnessed fallen friendships and back-stabs to ever consider putting himself at risk to petty things like emotional trauma. He would never be in the position of having his heart broken over a friend’s bitter words, said in secret to others desperate to stir up trouble. So he made his stinging words let others know from the get-go just how much he cared. Not to say he didn’t wear a mask of his own. He did, and a heavier one than most. So heavy his shoulders would sag by the end of the day from the tedious task of keeping it up. His mask was different from others, though. It was angry and apathetic. Today it was getting quite the workout.

“How are your grades, son?” his Uncle pried, wiping a clean line down the side of his glass through the cloud of moisture. Tsukishima eyed it greedily. What he would give to have a cool glass of alcohol right about now; the icy jolt on his fingers and the droplets of water gathering in a pool on the bottom of the cup and running down his arm, cooling his hot skin on its journey. His mouth watered at the thought. 

It had to be at least 90 degrees outside, and with no AC to cool him down he was sweating like a pig. He hated the feeling of sweat. It was sticky and a little smelly, as of late. His 13th birthday was coming up soon, and even though he loved the responsibility his parents were beginning to give him, this new age also came with some troublesome new additions. Such as smelly sweat. He knew the odor hung all around him and the thought of others smelling it brought a slight blush to his pale cheeks, which to his relief could be passed off as the heat’s doing. He tried his best to keep his arms glued to his sides anyway, despite the increasing moisture in his armpits, to avoid giving anybody a nasty waft. He shook himself out of his thoughts, looking back up to his older relative coldly. 

“My grades are fine.” He kept his tone level and tried to tell himself, for the fifth time, that nobody would notice the stench. 

His uncle laughed awkwardly, unsure of what to say in response. Tsukishima knew this was the result of the mask that he so perfectly maintained. It always ended like this. They would laugh, or blush, and then find an excuse to stop the stilted conversation before they made themselves look too stupid. He stopped himself from yawning.  His uncle was so normal.

“How about I get you a drink? You look hot,” he said, fingers playing with the hem of his stained polo shirt. The tension was palpable.

Tsukishima nodded and leaned back on the counter he was standing, returning his gaze to where his immediate family and some relatives they met up with once a year were playing volleyball out on the sand. He nearly groaned when he saw his brother trip over his own feet and fall face first into the sand in a mess of flailing limbs. Shouts of laughter echoed over to where Tsukishima sulked, and he caught his mother’s eye. She beckoned with a hand for him to come over and join them, as she had been begging him to do for the past hour, but he shook his head at her and looked to the floor. He told himself that he just didn’t want to get a sunburn, but he knew it wasn’t the truth. He felt uncomfortable trying to play family with all these strangers, and he was almost repelled by the way they smiled at him and laughed as if he knew them. They knew nothing about him and they should act like it. 

“Here’s your drink! I just got you a lemonade, I hope you don’t mind.” His uncle returned with an icy drink and Tsukishima accepted it with a curt nod, almost eagerly taking it into his sweaty palms and craving the cool feeling of the glass against his skin. He mouthed at the straw before taking a long sip, and he nearly sighed at the feeling of the cold liquid quenching his thirst. 

“You should really go out there and join them! I’m sure it’ll take your mind off the heat. Isn’t that right, Akiteru?!” His Uncle shouted the last part out toward the sand where his family was standing, panting between a round of the game. 

Aki turned towards him, his shoulders heaving as he struggled to catch his breath and his cheeks tinged pink from laughter and sun. “Kei, if you don’t come out here right now, I swear I will drag you over here myself. You’ll love this, I just know it!” There were a few breathy murmurs of agreement from relatives which Tsukishima tried to ignore.

Tsukishima tried to, but he couldn’t. His brother, his amazing big brother, that even now despite his seemingly aloof nature, he admired with all his heart, had practically ordered him to come out and play volleyball, and he wasn’t about to argue with him. So he took another big sip of the sweet lemonade and set it on the counter before emerging out from under the canopy to join his relatives. He could already feel his skin heated up even more by the searing sun and he pushed up his glasses for the umpteenth time. He hated sweat for that reason, too. 

“Fine then. Where do you want me to stand?” 

Akiteru scratched his chin for a moment before pointing towards the net. “Stand there. You’re pretty tall. Try and block the ball!” 

He gave his brother a lazy thumbs up before ambling over to the place in front of the net he had pointed to. He watched as his mother served up a slow ball and he only hoisted himself slightly out of the sand to block it from coming onto their side. He nearly scoffed at her, but reminded himself that he couldn’t act eager now; his entire family would tease him about it for days.

Once again the opposing team served up the ball, lousily so, and Tsukishima blocked it with ease. 

“I knew you would be an asset to our team!” Akiteru cheered, pumping his fists with enthusiasm. “I keep telling him he should play volleyball for his school team but he doesn’t listen! Look at him, he’s great!” He addressed the relatives. Some Aunt of his chuckled heartily.

The tall blond rolled his eyes at his brother’s antics, stepping over to pick up the ball from where it rolled to a stop. This was too easy. He tossed it to his brother, and for a moment- just a moment- he savored the rough texture of the ball on his smooth, unworked palms. He decided then and there he could get used to it. Not that his family needed to know that. At a quick glance to his teammates, he surmised that he was overdressed and bent over to untie his sneakers and toss them and his socks to the sidelines. Some grandfather of his clucked his tongue at him and hobbled over to pick them up. Tsukishima felt no remorse. 

“Alright!” an Aunt on his team shouted. Tsukishima suppressed the urge to gag. Like she was doing anything useful for their team. 

His brother served up the ball, much more gracefully than his other relatives, and the other team struggled to receive it. When the ball whizzed over the net past Tsukishima’s reaching fingertips, he couldn’t help but feel an inkling of some emotion he hadn’t felt in a long time. Disappointment? No, he had had his fair share of that. Anger? Of course not. Motivation? He supposed that was a better word than any to describe that little spark of desire he had just felt. He couldn’t help but frown a bit at the ball as his Aunt dove for it and lifted it into the air, and when another teammate set it, he took the opportunity to spike it from his position at the front of the net. It hurt his hand a bit, and he shook it out as he watched the ball speed to the ground and make an indent in the sand. He dug his toes into it, watching as the little biting grains drifted between his toes and over the pale skin of his foot. It was almost as nice as the sting that accompanied smacking that rough volleyball. 

“...Hellooo?” Akiteru’s mocking voice brought the little brother out of his reverence. 

Tsukishima pushed his ever sliding glasses up his face and turned to his brother, scowl set on his face. “What.”

“Get your head in the game, bro!” 

Tsukishima grit his teeth together and stormed out of the faux court, the dramaticness made slightly less effective by his sluggish sand-slowed pace. “I’m done. It’s too hot out here for me.”

Akiteru watched his little brother collect his shoes and then turned back to the game, visibly suppressing a sigh. Tsukishima ignored it and jogged toward the canopy to escape the sun’s angry glare. 

It was fun while it lasted. And it was true that the sun was getting to be too much. Tsukishima feared that if he stayed out any longer he would be graced with the presence of a sunburn and peeling skin, and he wanted to avoid those consequences at all costs. However, a part of him longed to ignore the blistering heat and continue playing until his muscles burned and he was just as winded as the rest of his family. But he held himself back. He was smarter than them, and he knew when his body was at his limit.  

Tsukishima’s nosy uncle had since wandered away from the canopy, and to his relief, he was left alone, if only for a few minutes. He returned to his tasty drink and slurped it up through the straw, savoring the wetness even more now that he had exercised. Without even realizing it he had worked up a sweat from the game that overrode any embarrassing heat sweats, making him almost soaked from head to toe. It was odd to Tsukishima that it didn’t feel too uncomfortable.

“Kei, dear?” Tsukishima turned to find his mother hobbling over to him with several duffle bags slung over her shoulders and arms. “We’re going to be leaving soon. I want you to ride with me; I need to talk to you about something.” There was something in her tone that made Tsukishima halt in his tracks.

The blond’s eyes narrowed at her, and he couldn’t help the tensing in his shoulders at her words. He couldn’t remember doing anything bad lately, besides taunting his classmates and skipping dinner every now and then. But that was just rebellious teenage behavior. Surely his mother knew that... Tsukishima squinted his eyes as he thought back, with slightly shaking fingers, to the last thing he had done that could have gotten him in trouble. His eyes widened. Had he forgotten to clear his internet history? A few nights ago, he had been searching a wide range of things out of mere curiosity, but those little things had led him to more drastic things, and soon it led to him making some tentative assumptions about himself. He clenched his fists at the thought of his family finding out.

He finally forced himself to answer back. “Is there something wrong?”

 

She glanced up at him from where she stood hunched over the scattered crumb filled paper plates and flashed him a quick smile, much to her son’s relief. “Everything’s fine, honey, I just had something I needed to ask you. Don’t worry about it.”

Tsukishima nodded slowly at her, pushing up his glasses, and sat down onto one of the splintery picnic benches. His gaze travelled down to his hand, and he flashed back to minutes ago when he had smacked the volleyball right out of the air. He turned his hand over so that he was looking at the palm, and nearly smiled when he saw that the skin was red and irritated. It was almost like proof that he saved those balls from falling into their territory. Only for himself, of course, but he was never one to seek validation from others. 

He heard a scraping from where his mother was working and he glanced up through the top of his glasses to see his mother push back from her seat and stand up. She turned around, once again loaded down with duffle bags, and smiled at him again. “Ready to go?”

“Yup.”

They walked down the dusty pathway to the parking lot, which was, in Tsukishima’s opinion, undeserving of it’s name, as it was literally just a fenced off section of the beach. A loud thud of the trunk opening accompanied his mother’s grunt of effort and he almost felt bad for not helping, but he fell back and watched her hoist her luggage into the trunk before unlocking the doors. Tsukishima had gotten used to his mom taking her time to unlock car doors, so he had long since given up on trying to get in before she did. At the sound of the click of the car locks, he yanked open the door, wincing at the heat of the metal, and climbed inside. Instantly he began to sweat again from the burn of the leather seats and the thick, musty air of the inside of the car. He watched as his mother climbed in and cranked up the AC and he adjusted his air vents so they were blowing on his face. It felt amazing.

“Man, it’s hot out today!” His mother remarked. He just grunted in response.

Tsukishima watched out the side window as his family, loaded down with the rest of today’s materials, climbed up the beaten pathway to the parking lot to clamber into the other beaten up van they had brought. He didn’t envy them. Meanwhile, his mother pulled out of the driveway and started up an empty road. It was the middle of nowhere out here, so it wasn’t surprising to Tsukishima that no people were out driving, however it was a bit eerie. He suppressed a shiver. 

Shadows of trees bent over the road and fields stretched for miles upon miles on one side, while the beach continued for a long time on the other. The sun danced off the water as the waves rolled over the gold sand. Honestly Tsukishima wanted the summer to end. It was just too hot. Way too hot.

After waiting a few moments with no word from his mother, Tsukishima, who was anxious and jumpy, decided to start the discussion himself. “So. What did you want to talk to me about?” It was better to get it over with than be nervous the whole car ride, he surmised. 

The blond watched as his mother huffed out a breath of air and her lips pressed together in a firm line. Her eyes softened a bit, and she glanced over at him before she spoke.

“Your father and I have been wondering... if you are being affected by that thing that happened when you were younger.” She kept her eyes glued ahead and Tsukishima raised an eyebrow in confusion.

Tsukishima wracked his brain for a few moments, but nothing came to mind. He hated this. He hated not understanding. And he hated the fact that his parents were talking about him.

“What are you talking about?” The words fell out of his lips like a weight, and for a moment he almost wished he didn’t ask. But it was too late, and whatever it was his mom thought he was plagued by would be called to mind. He almost wanted to speak out to her, to stop her from telling him, but he didn’t let himself. He was also curious and did not want to be left out of the loop, so he let her speak. 

“Don’t you remember?” Her brows furrowed and she licked her lips. She tended to do that a lot when she was under pressure. 

Tsukishima wiped his sweaty hands off on his shorts and took a deep breath. “What is it?” 

His mother shook her head. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you, then.”

The hands of his that were resting on his shorts tightened around the fabric as he fought back a loud protest. 

“Please tell me, mom.”

She worried her lip between her teeth and snuck another, almost sad, glance at her son. 

“You don’t remember? Jirou?”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened and the fists that were woven around the cloth of his pants loosened.  _ Oh yeah _ . Jirou was his brother’s old friend. He had moved away years ago, but he had been there once. And he wasn’t allowed to come over to their house. And even though Tsukishima had always respected him, he wasn’t as perfect as he seemed at a first glance.  _ He had-  _ The blond unconsciously brought a hand up to cover his mouth and he said nothing, just stared straight ahead at the empty country road unblinking as his sweaty fingers began to shake harder. He pressed his fingers harder to his face to hide the tremors.

“Mom... Did I get-” His mother’s eyes widened and she brought a finger up to her mouth to silence him.

Tsukishima’s throat tightened a bit at the simple gesture. Was she embarrassed by him? He supposed it made sense, given that he was a  _ boy. _  And at this horrifying revelation, his jaw dropped. Weeks ago, when he had been on the computer and searching around the web out of mere curiosity, he had come across the article about homosexuality. And he had thought that maybe, just maybe, he identified with that. Was this why he was gay? Did Jirou corrupt him forever? Tears welled in his eyes and he stifled a sob as the knot in his throat tightened. 

“I shouldn’t have told you...” she sighed. 

He shook his head just slightly, enough for his mom to see, and let out a little sound that sounded something like a sob or a sigh. He wasn’t so sure himself. He quickly brought up a hand to wipe the tears out of his eyes before they fell and turned toward his mother again.

“Did that... really happen?” he couldn’t help but ask.

She nodded grimly, clicking on her turn signal. The little tapping was soon the only noise to be heard in the car, and Tsukishima found himself listening to it desperately, as if it was the only thing holding him in place. He just had to focus on something else. 

“Well, I didn’t even remember it happened until now.” He couldn’t help the bitterness in his tone. He knew that it wasn’t his mother’s fault that he remembered. She only brought it up out of concern for him. And yet he still felt a stirring anger in his stomach that was only growing. 

She sighed, “Kei. I’m sorry. I was planning to ask you if you wanted to go to therapy or something like that. I didn’t know it was going to end up like this. I assumed you still remembered.”

Tsukishima shook his head slowly, resisting the ever-growing urge to roll his eyes. 

“Nope.”

“Then we can just drop it.” Her hands tightened around the steering wheel, and the ticking stopped. 

Tsukishima pinched his nose between his fingers. “Sounds good to me.”

The next few minutes were spent in silence, with thoughts racing around the boy’s head. 

How had he forgotten something so important? Was it on purpose? Did he purposely block it out? That type of thing actually happened? Jirou... When he was younger he hadn’t been able to understand what was done to him, but he did now. He felt a bit nauseous thinking about it. He was a statistic now. He always had been, really. It was just that he hadn’t remember it until now. He had been sexually assaulted. 

He squeezed his eyes shut. That sounded so foreign to him. Never in a million years had he imagined it would have happened to him. He may have even forgotten it happened if he didn’t tell his mother about it in the first place. Tsukishima once again found himself regretting naively telling the secret.

Bits and pieces of the incident were starting to flash behind his clenched eyes and he nearly let another sob escape. 

He remembered that it was under a couch. And then that office Dad used to work in. He remembered the feeling of his shorts being pinched open and that moist breath hitting his neck, and the way he didn’t feel ashamed; just bored.

Tsukishima’s eyes snapped open. He didn't even try to stop it. He buried his face in his hands, and in that moment he noticed he could still feel a faint tingling on the skin of his hand from the volleyball match. 

He thought about that for a moment. Akiteru laughing behind him, the sun’s rays beating down on his sticky skin. His skin was still sticky under the coolness of the AC.  _ His breath was moist on my neck. _

No. The dry roughness of the ball as it passed over his pale hand, the fear in his opponent’s eye. That was what he wanted to remember. He was almost bored with how easy it was to stop that ball from coming into their side of the net.  _ I just wanted it to stop. I was bored and I wanted to play with Aki. _

Enough. The cool bite of the burning sand on his bare toes, slipping in between them and sticking a bit to the sweaty skin there. He could do that again. Heck, even if it wasn’t on the sand; even if it was on a court, the way that Akiteru kept begging him to play volleyball, he would do it. He loved it. Even if it was just a distraction, he would use it. And then he decided.

“Mom. I think I might sign up for the volleyball team at my school next year.” He said it out loud so he couldn’t back out. Because he knew he would try to. He had always been filled with this fear of being rejected, fear of being snickered, fear of being betrayed. Fear of his work being for nothing, like Akiteru. It’s why he kept his mask so perfectly maintained. But now, was the mask really necessary? He had been betrayed in the worst possible way.

His mom glanced at him, surprised. “Why is that?”

Tsukishima thought for a moment. Why was he doing this? He could just listen to music to keep those memories out of his head, or maybe start drawing again like he used to in Elementary School. Was this really necessary? He finally settled on the one thought he was 100% sure of. 

“Today... Playing kind of fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on my own childhood experiences, and I was originally not going to post, but since I put so much work into it I decided to share it with others who may relate to Kei's story, or want to learn how to help. (I sound all official right now, but I am usually very peppy in my author's notes, to the point where it's obnoxious.)
> 
> haikiuyu.tumblr.com  
> Please comment so I know what you guys like and want me to do differently!


	2. The Start of Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Highschool orientation has Kei feeling overwhelmed. Meeting Kuroo Tetsurou makes his nerves even worse.

Tsukishima kept his sweaty hands balled up in fists inside his dress pant pockets. He watched the bustle of nervous first years hurrying from classroom to classroom, glancing down at crumpled paper schedules, and eyeing other students as they went. He couldn’t help his anxiety. The whole atmosphere at this high school orientation was stressful and and the thick gathering of bodies pressed together in the lingering summer heat didn’t help much either. The blond was already reluctant to come here, only bribed into it by his brother and threats from his parents, but it was just as miserable as he had predicted. He had lost his parents somewhere in the shuffle from classroom to classroom during the tour, and he had resigned himself to looking at the club options. The only problem was, there were so many people packed into the school’s courtyard that looking for the scattered stands and tables set up by clubs for application was nearly impossible. The roar of the crowd that was once deafening had soon faded down to background noise, but the heat and lack of familiarity made Tsukishima’s experience here just as unbearable as it was when he first arrived.

He stumbled as a body bumped into him from behind and he clenched his teeth to keep from snapping out at the offender. A glance over his shoulder revealed a messy, dark-haired boy who was nearly as tall as Tsukishima. He seemed to be jostling the crowd of students and clingy parents to get to some club application stand that Tsukishima couldn’t see, even with the asset of height. His eyes wandered to the sign, and his fists loosened slightly. It was volleyball club. He considered turning around and never approaching it again, but then he remembered the agreement he had made days earlier to his brother. He had promised to at least try volleyball club; that he would be free to quit if he really didn’t like it. And he made that declaration to his mom, when... _No._

So he quickly followed the thin path of parted bodies the other boy had created and stopped in front of a plastic table that had a flimsy cardboard sign above it, reading **VOLLEYBALL CLUB** in messy, scrawled letters, flapping in the wind. That other guy who had bumped into him was stooped over the table, talking to two serene looking guys sitting in metal chairs behind the table. One of the students, a silver-haired male, was conversing with the black haired boy, a calm smile on his face, and Tsukishima’s muscles relaxed instinctively.

“Can I help you?” a deep voice questioned. Tsukishima looked towards the speaker. He didn’t seem quite as gentle as the other boy, but his smile was amiable nonetheless. He had broad, muscular shoulders and a sturdy frame that Tsukishima couldn’t help his eyes from lingering on. He snapped out of it quickly, though, swallowing past the lump in his throat to meet the other boy’s eyes. Tsukishima wasn’t used to the guys being so... matured. His middle school was full of prepubescent boys (with the exception of himself and a few other guys) and he knew this would be a tough transition for him. He had to get his act together and stop drooling over every guy he came into contact with. If Jirou saw him right now, what would he say? Tsukishima snapped out of that thought as quickly as it came to him to reply to the attractive guys question.

“Yeah. I was looking to join this club.” His voice was monotone, calm. He sounded comfortable in his position. He made sure to drag his eyes over the guy obviously, just to see if he would flinch.

The brown haired upperclassman nodded, eyeing Tsukishima before pushing forward a clipboard with blank spots where a few names were scribbled down. Tsukishima had to admit, he was impressed with how this boy held his ground. He was unflinching under the 1st year’s ruthless scrutiny; he didn’t even seem the least bit uncomfortable with it. Shaking his head to himself, the blond grabbed the pen that was offered to him and began to fill out the form, glad that his hand wasn’t visibly shaking. Nerves still coiled in his stomach, despite how calm he was pretending to be about this situation. He knew that the middle school - high school transition was stressful for everybody, but he couldn’t help but feel ashamed that it was affecting him of all people this way.

As he wrote, the muscular boy spoke up again. “I’m Sawamura Daichi, the team captain. And this is Sugawara Koushi, the vice-captain.”

Tsukishima glanced up to see the silver-haired Sugawara waving amicably at him from his seat behind the table. He nodded curtly in response before returning his gaze to the paper form.

When he finished scribbling down his info, Daichi took the clipboard from him and read over it before smiling up at him again. “Tsukishima Kei, nice to meet you. What position do you play?” Daichi’s warm yet stern eyes looked over his face and body from behind the clipboard, and Tsukishima once again got the feeling he was being assessed. He stopped himself from wiping his sweaty hands on his pants during the appraisal.

He thought for a moment. He didn’t know exactly what his position was, but thinking back over the casual games he had played with his brother, he remembered he was usually in the front, stopping the ball from crossing the net. And he had remembered some of the useless sport terminology his brother had insisted on teaching him over dinner one day. He was glad it had been forced on him. “I am a middle blocker. I haven’t played on a team before, though.” He didn’t know why he told him that. Perhaps it was so they didn’t get their expectations too high, only to be let down by his sloppy skills and unrefined reflexes. He had a knack for disappointing people, after all.

The other boy, Sugawara smiled, shaking his head. “That’s completely okay! The more team members, the better. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have, as long as you put in all the effort you can...” his voice faded out as Tsukishima saw something out of the corner of his eye.

The boy Sugawara had been talking to turned around to face Tsukishima and his heart jumped to his throat. He was, as he had noticed earlier, almost as tall as the blond, with a broad frame and heavy lidded eyes, shadowed by a dark mess of hair. A wide, exasperating yet captivating smirk donned his face, and Tsukishima had to force himself to look away for fear of going completely red.

“...e all just have to improve slowly, using each other to build on our strengths and weaknesses. Okay?” Sugawara finished his speech, unaware that it fell on deaf ears.

He shakily nodded, clenching and unclenching his fists in an effort to stay calm. “Oh, uh... Yeah, thanks.” Whatever. Probably wasn’t that important anyway.

“We’ll be glad to have you two on the team. We will be having our first practice right after orientation is over. We’ll meet in the volleyball gym which is right over there next to the school. No need to get nervous over it. We’ll just be watching you play a bit and evaluating your skills. Oh, wow! Orientation _is_ almost over. We’re going to be packing up soon, so if you don’t mind...”

The two 1st years nodded, and after a few goodbyes they left the stand to reemerge into the mass of bodies. Only then did Tsukishima remember how hot it had been, and he cursed himself for not taking the long route around the clump of people. He pushed his glasses up his face a second before they slid further down, and after a quick glance over the crowd, which was much easier given his height, he found his family standing in a circle chatting with another couple he didn’t recognize. A moment later, he saw the other attractive volleyball applicant join the circle of parents, and he rushed over before his parents could cause too much damage to his social life before the school year had even began.

“Oh, here he is now!” Tsukishima’s mother cut off from what she was saying before, and he recognized that face she had on. The ‘bragging about her kids’ face. _Oh goodness._ “Kei, honey, we were just talking about you to this lovely family. They have a son who is going to be in your grade, and he plays volleyball too!”

Tsukishima grit his teeth to keep from snapping something rude at her, and glared pointedly out of the corner of his eye at where his brother was barely holding himself together, watching Tsukishima with an expression of that special older-brother-exclusive mocking.

“Oh really?” He replied dryly, risking another glance at the dark haired kid. His expression was unreadable; Tsukishima really couldn’t tell whether this guy was going to be an asshole or not. His bet was on an affirmative.

“Yes! We were just telling them how enthusiastic you’ve been about volleyball these last few months. We are really quite proud of him.” She addressed the parents. “He has been moping around doing nothing for so many years, and we finally got him to come out of his shell by playing the sport.”

The black haired teen’s gaze met his, and the blond challengingly held eye contact, whilst willing his blood to stay out of his face..

“He seems to be the enthusiastic type, that’s for sure,” the teen suddenly commented, those lidded eyes still on him and a gorgeous disgusting smirk spread over his face again. If Tsukishima could have glared holes into the ground, he would have.

The whole group of adults started chuckling, and Kei’s brother was nearly clutching his sides to keep from cracking up at this point. He would pay for not helping out later.

“Tsukishima, it’s really nice to meet you,” the teen’s mother spoke up, “This is our son Kuroo Tetsurou. He’s very excited to be attending this school, and I’m sure you two will be great friends. We actually just moved here recently, and I’m sure you would be a great help in getting him to adjust.” It was Kuroo’s turn to glare at his mom, and the black haired teens mother’s eyes crinkled in warm laughter at the sight. Tsukishima really liked her, for some odd reason. It was a rare occurrence, after all, for him to get a good impression of someone from the get-go.

Tsukishima nodded, silent. He didn’t miss the way his mother glared at him pointedly after she spoke, most definitely in reaction to the ‘making friends’ part, but he didn’t acknowledge it, either.

“We sure hope so,” Kei’s dad joined in, “Kei has never been the most... social person, per say, so it sure would be nice for him to get a head start in that regard.”

The blond couldn’t help feeling annoyed at those words. His dad had never been a very big part of his life, and it was almost _rude_ for him to pretend he was in front of strangers. Tsukishima knew his father was only basing that comment on what he had heard his mother complain about time and time again, not from what he himself had actually observed. It was almost like he was giving himself too much credit. And he nearly called him out on it, but he bit his tongue. He could save that for another, more private, time. Or he could just let it go. That’s usually what ended up happening with his dad.

“Mom, dad, I think you guys can go now. Orientation is almost over and I have volleyball practice after that.” Kei was practically begging them, and his parents knew it too, but to strangers, he sounded totally calm and collected.

A glance around assured him he was right. Most of the families were clearing out and clubs were starting to pack of their tables and stands. Sugawara and Daichi were attempting to pull down the sign that hung high above their heads. They weren’t anywhere near short, but they were compared to him, and Tsukishima was confident he could pull the sign down with ease. He resisted the urge to go over to them and pull the sign down himself, just to feel smug and see their reactions.

“Alright, honey. You have my number if you need anything. Do you know what time practice is ending?” Her pleasant tone she used around acquaintances never faltered.

Tsukishima shook his head. “I can walk home, it’s fine.”

“Alright, honey, see you later tonight!” Both families began to walk away, leaving Kuroo and Kei to stand there, an awkward silence enveloping both of them.

Kuroo cleared his throat, his eyes sweeping over the blond in something like curiosity. “So... Wanna head to that volleyball practice together?”

Tsukishima gave the other guy his best bored look, and he decided to remain silent, nodding as he looked down on his companion.

The other boy raised a dark eyebrow at him but didn’t comment on his aloof act, beginning the short trek to the gym Sugawara had pointed out with Tsukishima close on his heel.

“So... what middle school did you go to?” Tsukishima nearly smirked at the awkwardness he seemed to be causing the attractive guy.

“This high school’s middle school.” He didn’t bother asking where Kuroo went to school; he didn’t care.

“Ah...” Apparently Kuroo didn’t care either. It was stupid and pointless of him to ask, in that case.

They approached the tall brick building and Kuroo eyed the looming metal doors before clasping one of the handles in his hand and throwing his weight into opening it. Little by little it squeaked open until there was enough room for both males to squeeze through.

“Impressive strength there,” Tsukishima couldn’t help but mutter sarcastically.

Kuroo just glanced back at him, an amused glimmer in his eye, and then with a stutter of Tsukishima’s heart, he winked, genuinely _winked. “_ You know it.”

The blond took a moment to collect himself before looking back towards the other boy, surprised to see he was already walking away. In the middle of the room was a cluster of nervous looking boys, presumably first years, and off to the side pulling a basket out of a closet of some sort were a group of oddly mismatched boys chattering casually to each other. The upperclassmen. He forced himself to walk forward towards the nearly shaking pathetic group in the middle of the gym and stood a few feet away, looking anywhere but the group of annoying kids.

They were muttering quietly to each other, introductions, it seemed, while some complained about how nervous they were and others comforted.

“Hey, you.” A deep voice brought Tsukishima out of his ‘daydream’ and he reluctantly turned to face the group. “Yeah, you. What’s your name?” The boy talking was tall, although not as tall as he himself was, and he had a little smile on his face.

Tsukishima put on his best mask and replied in a cold, intimidating tone. “Tsukishima. What’s it matter to you, though?” His eyes narrowed in mocking.

Tsukishima could see the shift in the atmosphere as soon as the words left his mouth. Straightened backs, tightened jaws, balled fists. He almost regretted saying it. Almost. There wasn’t much these boys could do to hurt him, after all.

“Boys, come over here!” Sugawara called from the side of the gym.

With some angry murmurs, the boys reluctantly turned away from Tsukishima, not without some threatening glares and muttered disapprovals. Kuroo dropped away from the group to walk by Tsukishima’s side.

“Is that what your parents meant by you being socially awkward?” To Tsukishima’s surprise, Kuroo didn’t sound too angry or offended with him. He more just sounded amused, and maybe a little curious.

Tsukishima shot him a dry look. “I don’t know, Kuroo. What do you think?”

Kuroo’s shoulders shook in laughter and the blond nearly stopped walking at his reaction. Usually people were put off by his dripping sarcasm and rude remarks, but it didn’t seem to really effect Kuroo much. Tsukishima was a little surprised but he didn’t dare voice his wonders aloud.

“Everybody, gather round,” Daichi said, gesturing for the first years to circle around him and the rest of the upperclassmen. “We’re glad you all decided to join us today. We’ll start off with some simple exercises after warm ups, just to see where your strong and weak points are, and then we’ll split you guys up into teams and play a little practice match.”

There were whispers of excitement, fear, and anticipation as one of the upperclassmen handed out balls to the line of students. After some brief warm ups, which mostly involved stretching and hitting balls over the net, somebody called out that they had to find themselves partners, and to his surprise he felt a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Wanna partner up?” That damn smirk was wide as ever, his dark eyes searching Tsukishima’s.

He raised an eyebrow at Kuroo, but simply nodded in response and they walked across the gym to find a blank space to pass to each other.

“Are my parents trying to pay you off to be my friend or something?” Tsukishima couldn’t help but ask. After all, no person in their right mind would keep trying to talk to him after he already gave so many negative responses.

Kuroo dropped his ball to the side and gestured for Tsukishima to begin their passing. “Of course not! Maybe I genuinely want to become your friend!” There was a glint in his eye Tsukishima couldn’t quite read, which was beginning to become a pattern. Tsukishima could usually read a person’s intentions with a simple glance, yet Kuroo was confusing him and stirring him up and winding him down with every word.

The blond threw the ball up in the air and hit it with tips of his fingers, letting it roll into the palm of his hand before it was back in the air soaring towards his partner. The serve wasn’t quite perfect, but it was good enough for him. “Why am I not convinced?”

Kuroo bumped the rubber ball back up in the air with ease, his heavy eyelids lowering even more in concentration. “I swear! You seem like a funny guy!”

Tsukishima couldn’t help but blush at the reminder of what his parents did in front of Kuroo today as he received the ball, a bit awkwardly, muttering a curse under his breath. Nevertheless it was back in the air, spiraling in an odd direction away from Kuroo. The boy’s lips pressed together in concentration as his eyes followed the ball in it’s path, and Tsukishima’s eyes widened when Kuroo backed up several steps and hit the ball perfectly, sending it back on course towards his partner.

Tsukishima forgot about Kuroo’s words for a moment, focused on hitting the ball better this time, and almost smiled when he did, savoring in that tingling that was starting to erupt in his wrists and hands.

“You’re odd, you know that?” He wasn’t sure why he said it; he never would have humored most people by continuing the conversation, but today was an odd day for him. Somebody was willingly talking to him, not put off by his bad attitude.

A call from the side of the gym halted them in their activities, the ball tapping to a halt on the floor. “1st years, come gather round over here! We’re picking teams early since there’s going to be a storm tonight!”

Tsukishima’s heart sank at these words. He was hoping to be able to do a midnight jog to think over his day. Midnight jogs had always been a special thing for Tsukishima. They helped clear his mind, let him reflect on things clearly while unbothered by the day’s crowds. While the summer heat would get to him in the daytime, in the night, with the sun down and the moon shining bright, he could enjoy the gentle nip of the cold on his arms. He could let his own body heat him up instead of an outside source. Of course, in the beginning, it took a little convincing from his parents, but since around the time his mother had revealed that... thing.... to him, he couldn’t go without. His overprotective parents were reluctant to allow the runs for many reasons, but one of them was that he’d be assaulted. It always made him a bit nauseous when they brought up that point to him. He knew that he was strong enough to protect himself; and he knew that as a tall guy, he wouldn’t attract predators. He also knew that his parents never would have worried about that if it was his older brother who enjoyed going out late. It was a worry exclusively for him; something that he had brought upon himself when he accepted Jirou’s advances. Never again would he be trusted to protect himself from any type of the threat. He would always be vulnerable in his parent’s eyes.

“Tsukki!” Kei’s head snapped up in surprise, and he nearly keeled over when he saw dark, amused eyes inches away from his own. “You awake in there?”

Tsukishima turned away, face burning. He pushed up his glasses with an almost shaking hand and nodded.

“We’re on the same team, lucky us!” Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima’s wrist and dragged him over to the left side of the net, with the blond muttering protests and curses the entire way.

And only seconds later did the words he uttered register in his head. “What the hell did you just call me?” His voice was biting and in his peripherals he saw several of his team members jump in fear.

Kuroo simply smiled that lazy, lopsided smile of his, locking eyes with Tsukishima before prowling to his spot behind the net. “Tsukki. It fits you, doesn’t it?”

Tsukishima merely huffed out an angered breath, accepting that Kuroo wasn’t going to be affected by his usual demeanor. Ignoring him would probably be the best way to go about putting his harassment to an end.

The blond also didn’t miss the way the rest of his teammates glared at him. They obviously weren’t going to forget too quickly the way he had treated their new friend. He almost regretted being rude from the start. Almost. He couldn't turn back now, anyway.

Soon the opposing team was serving and somebody behind him received the ball, sending it careening over the net to where another player got it up off the ground and a skilled spike came shooting over to Tsukishima’s right. He jumped up, using his left foot to propel him and send him in the direction of the ball where he effortlessly blocked it, the ball spiraling to the floor.

“Nice!” someone shouted.

Of course. They could hate him for his personality, but as soon as he proved to be useful on the team, nobody would care about his rude remarks. It was such a despicable quality in humans that he had witnessed many times in his middle school years. Apparently entering high school didn’t flush it out of people.

The ball came up once more, and then again, and then again, and each time at one point or another Tsukishima could block the ball and earn shouted praise from his teammates. His opponents, who had already disliked him for his little moment, seemed to glare at him with a new heat. Throughout the game, Tsukishima’s mask never slipped. He never let his enthusiasm become too overpowering; he never tried _too_ hard to block a ball. The last thing he needed was getting his hopes up, only to be let down by not earning a spot on the team. Better to just not try.

A shout from the upperclassmen halted their game. “We have to pack up early, unfortunately, because the storm is moving in faster than expected. We have been taking notes, so at our first official practice we will give you guys our feedback and let you guys know who made the regular team. We have some really promising first years this year. Good job, everybody! Be safe on your way home, tonight, guys!”  Daichi clapped twice and him along with the rest of the team, who were muttering quietly among themselves while raking their eyes over certain players, stood up from their seats on the bench to walk towards the court.

“We’re cleaning up today. That will be your job for the rest of the year,” some snickers could be heard from the second years at this, and Tsukishima fought the urge to roll his eyes. Grumblings rose up from the new kids, but they said nothing, all heading for the doors in a big clump.

“Hey, you.” Tsukishima turned around to face a shorter boy who was angrily clenching his fists. He recognized this kid as one of the friends of the guy he had insulted. “Just because you’re a little good at volleyball doesn’t mean you have to treat us like shit. We all just want to be friends and have fun, you know.”

Tsukishima felt fleeting guilt for an instant, but he quashed it before it could cause him to act out of character. His character may be contrived, but that didn’t mean he didn’t play it convincingly. “You can have all the fun you want, just don’t involve me in it.” His voice was slow and his words were over pronounced, as if he were talking to a 5 year old. It took him a moment for the other boy’s words to fully register. He hadn’t realized he was that good at volleyball. He was just playing as he always played with his brother, putting a little bit of effort into everything so he didn’t look completely lame.

“Just come on. You’re not going to change a jerk like that with normal reasoning.” Another boy dragged the first guy away and he sent him one last look over his shoulder before following his companion.

Tsukishima felt that familiar weight clap onto his shoulder and he glanced back to see Kuroo looking at him, an eyebrow raised. “Wanna walk home together? You told your parents before that you’re walking home, and my mom just texted me that we actually live nearby.”

Tsukishima thought for a moment before nodding. He wanted to groan at his parent’s antics. “They’re so thirsty for friends...” he muttered to himself.

“What’s that?” Kuroo inquired.

Tsukishima just shook his head. “My parents... They love to make friends, but then they gossip and bitch so much that all of their friends hate them.” He put air quotes around friends. Then Tsukishima stopped. Why was he telling Kuroo this? Tsukishima searched his friend’s gaze and was relieved to see that he was idly rustling through his bag, not seeming too concerned with the amount Tsukishima just spoke. “But yeah. We can walk home together.I’m not taking any weird route that you use, though. You follow my route or you can walk by yourself.”

Kuroo nodded, flashing a grin over his shoulder and propping the door open for Tsukishima to walk through. He did so, and they walked side by side on the thin sidewalk leading to the school gates and beyond.

“You know... you’re pretty good at volleyball, for just starting this summer.” Kuroo picked at a loose strand on the strap of his bag.

The blond stared straight ahead, unflinching. “Yep, apparently. I thought I was pretty average until you guys said differently.”

“Ah...Well, if you want, I can teach you. Outside of practice? If you’re that good at volleyball with no training, imagine how good you would be if you put in a bit more effort?” Kuroo’s voice raised in dynamic as he spoke, and Tsukishima couldn’t help but smirk at the enthusiasm in his eyes.

He wanted to agree, just to see that smile light up Kuroo’s face again. But that would be weird, and Kuroo might suspect something. No matter how true it was, Tsukishima did not want other people to know about his sexuality. Especially since it was caused by...

He stopped thinking. “Maybe... if I really need it.”

Kuroo smiled broadly at that, and Tsukishima’s heart skipped a beat. “Cool! Who knew I could break through to Mr. Tsundere so quickly!”

“I said MAYBE,” Tsukishima couldn’t help but snap.

“Of course,” Kuroo smirked, mock-bowing as he walked.

“Whatever...” He muttered, fighting the urge to put on his headphones, which he hadn’t used all day, somehow.

“Ah, you’re so adorable, you little tsun tsun” he teased, whipping his messy hair out of his eyes.

It took the blond a few moments to realize his jaw was dropped. He swallowed past the lump in his throat as he took in the view of Kuroo. His eyelashes made long shadows over his cheeks, and he had little wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes, evidence that he was always laughing. He licked his lips, and willed his fingers to have feeling again.

“Shush.” The effort was half-hearted and even Kuroo could see it. He didn’t comment on it though, past the travelling of his gaze over Tsukishima’s face. Kuroo looked forward again after he did so, and Kei watched as his adam’s apple bobbed up and down.

Just then, to Tsukishima’s relief, his phone buzzed. With a glance at Kuroo to make sure he wasn’t looking, he checked it, and as he expected it was Yama246. Yamaguchi, he corrected himself. He had met Yamaguchi online a few weeks ago when browsing an internet forum for gay youth. Although he lived far away, they both held similar views on what their sexuality meant to them and had become friends very fast. While at first they would occasionally consult each other with problems regarding being gay, they soon had casual conversations just talking about whatever was on their mind. It was a much needed outlet for Tsukishima, to not have to put up his mask around him, and he wasn’t even sure how he had managed to survive before he had met Yamaguchi. He didn’t need other people, like Kuroo, to infringe upon their friendship, or become suspicious as to why they were so connected.

It was a simple message, asking Tsukishima how his day was, and with another suspicious glance towards Kuroo, Tsukishima took the risk to reply outside the safety of his bedroom. He made sure to ask Yamaguchi if everything was okay, because it was odd for him to initiate their conversations. At first Tsukishima had found this to be awkward and a little one-sided, he soon learned about Yamaguchi’s social anxiety and knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t enjoy his chats with Tsukishima, it was because he was afraid that he was bothering him.

After considering this for a moment, Tsukishima shoved his phone back in his pocket and turned down the road that led to his house. He paused for a moment after he realized Kuroo wasn’t following him.

“I go straight here. Seeya later!” When Tsukishima went to turn, Kuroo called out again. “Wait! Let me get your number so I can text you about training!”

With a sigh Kei took Kuroo’s phone and slowly typed his number into the old brick of a thing, before handing it back to him and turning around without another word. Now he probably wouldn’t be able to get out of it.

“Seeya, Tsukki!” Kuroo called out when he got to the end of the sidewalk. Kei had to keep himself from yelling out a retort at the nickname, instead clenching his fists and walking faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter written for a while, it was just a matter of editing it that was slowing me down. I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> haikiuyu.tumblr.com
> 
> i am deleting my fanfiction blog (shanbluefanfiction.tumblr.com) so follow/send messages to my main blog instead


	3. Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of school is coming closer and closer, and Tsukishima is making a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to annoying generic pop music while writing this so I apologize in advance.  
> Wow. I just went back over this chapter and read it and edited it months later, and I'm really proud of it. :D  
> 

 

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

Tsukishima groaned and rolled over in his bed, pushing his face into the pillow in a weak attempt to drown out the noise. It didn’t work. The sound was persistent in it’s pattern and moments later thin fingers blindly fumbled their way across a sleek wooden night stand to find the phone. When they met his phone he slid it across the surface towards his bed before letting it fall off the edge with a thump onto his mattress. Finally he pried his crusty eyes open against the bright afternoon light and forced them to adjust before opening up his phone.

Sure enough, it was 11:34am. Way past the time he should be getting up. He didn’t care. What he did care about was the rude awakening that he had received from... with a squint of his eyes, he realized the text came from an unknown number. He threw his phone down and sat up in bed, clenching his teeth at the burn in his arms that came from the workout at orientation yesterday. He hated to admit it, but he was not in the best shape for sports, and he was paying for it.

He tried to swallow against the dryness in his throat with no success. It was hopeless. No matter how much water he drank before sleeping, he was always dehydrated in the morning. He ran his tongue over the roof of his mouth in an attempt to regain moisture there, but quickly gave up and instead went for wiping the sleep sand out of his eyes. It was enjoyable for him to be able to stay up late chatting with Yamaguchi and sleeping in late in return, it just usually wasn’t a reality. Luckily, though, today both of his parents had had to leave for meetings at ass-thirty in the morning, which meant he was able to sleep in undisturbed. Or, he was supposed to be able to, anyway. Some unknown message had woken him up; they had disrupted him from his much needed beauty sleep, and they were going to pay. That reminded him and he leaned forward across the bed to pick up the previously discarded phone.

 

 _Message from: (300-2628)_ **_time: 11:27_ **

_Hey! This is Kuroo Tetsurou, your new_

_kind-of neighbor. I’m hoping your remember_

_me, though, since we just talked yesterday._

_Lol. Oh yeah. We need to get together_

_sometime soon to practice volleyball. I_

_vote today. There’s only a little time left_

_to perfect our skills for the school year,_

_after all._

 

Tsukishima snorted. Well that was direct. And not very polite at all. He was inclined to ignore the text and return to his rest, but he reminded himself that he was going to pay if he made too many enemies of his teammates. Not that Kuroo seemed to be the sort of guy who would hold grudges if a person snubbed him, but Tsukishima didn’t want to risk anything. With his luck he would find a way to get himself kicked off of the volleyball team, which for some reason did not sound as appealing as it would have a few weeks ago. With another forlorn glance to where he was laying minutes earlier, he began typing.

 

 _Message to: (300-2628)_ **_time: 11:36_ **

_It’s way too early for this shit. Text me later._

 

There. Perfect. Tsukishima closed the messaging app with a sigh and scrolled through his notifications from last night. A few notes on tumblr and one anonymous message accusing him of being rude to his followers. He rolled his eyes at that. People on Tumblr were so sensitive it was sad. Only begging from Yamaguchi had convinced him to make a blog on there, and he was surprised at how much he was enjoying it, despite some of the drama that took place.There was also a message on Skype he had missed from Yamaguchi. He clicked the bubble and sure enough a little farewell message had been sent to him, which Tsukishima had missed because he fell asleep. It was 4 AM, in his defense. He typed out a quick late reply (which was much more friendly than the one he had sent Kuroo) and closed his phone with the intention of laying back down.

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

He wanted to shout in exasperation, but instead he opened his phone back up to see the reply he had gotten. It was from Kuroo, of course. This guy was getting on Tsukishima’s bad side very, very quickly.

 

 _Message from: (300-2628)_ **_time: 11:38_ **

_Come on now Tsukki! I have your address_

_and I’ll be over in 10 minutes, so be ready then._

_:D_

 

Kei’s eyes widened in alarm as he read and reread the message and tapped out a quick reply of ‘are you fucking serious’ before launching himself out of bed to get ready. It was better to be safe than sorry, and he did not want Kuroo to see him when he was fresh out of bed. It was not a pretty sight. He rushed over to his bathroom, skidding on the tiles, and glared at himself in the mirror as if that would fix his appearance. His hair didn’t need much fixing because it was so short, but the same could not be said about his face. He looked like death personified. He quickly wiped his face down with water from the sink and brushed his teeth thoroughly (bad breath was a pet peeve of his) and then hurried back to his room to pick out an outfit.

During the school year, getting up was pretty easy since he had a uniform to wear, but he prided himself in the way he dressed and therefore spent at least 10 minutes scrutinizing his pre-put-together outfits for any flaws. His family often teased him about this habit of his, but he felt as if it was barbaric to not care about one’s appearance, and he reminded his family of this on a regular basis.

He pulled one of the outfits out of his closet and smoothed it out on top of his bed, crouching down so his head wouldn’t bump the shelve above him full of dinosaur models. He might just cry if those were broken. After making sure there were no out of place wrinkles on the fabric, he ripped the clothing off the hangers and changed the fastest he ever changed in his life. He looked into his full body mirror to assess. Satisfied, he grabbed his glasses from his night stand and shoved his phone in his pocket, and the doorbell rang.

He huffed out a sigh of relief and half jogged across his house to answer. Opening the door revealed Kuroo in all his muscley, grinning glory. And suddenly Tsukishima wished he had remembered to get a drink of water.

“Hey there,” Kuroo drawled. Tsukishima considered slamming the door in his face. He held himself back. “I thought for sure I had woken you up. Guess not though.” He had his hands in his pockets (he was wearing shorts, damn him) and he slouched over in that annoyingly cool way that showed off the broadness of his frame.

Tsukishima tore his eyes away from the other guy and instead stared behind him at the sky. Ah, so bright blue and pretty and _not Kuroo._

“You did wake me up,” he grit out. “I am just organized enough to be able to get myself ready on short notice. Thanks a lot for that, by the way.” He refocused his eyes on Kuroo.

“Hey, we don’t have to do this if you really don’t want to. I just assumed you’d want to play. Your parents made you sound pretty enthusiastic about it.” One of his hands scratched the back of his head and his smile dropped a bit.

Kei rolled his eyes at this. “They are exaggerating. I just go and play sometimes with my brother. But yeah. Since I’m already ready to go anyway, we can do this.” Usually he would have rejoiced at the opportunity to back out, but something about the way Kuroo finally seemed to be hurt at something he said made him want to defend himself. Even if he was shooting mixed messages all around.

The smirk immediately returned. “Alright, let’s go then. I have a net in my backyard, we can play a few singles matches if you want. Until we get tired. Also I’m guessing you haven’t eaten yet? My mom probably made food, so don’t worry about that.”

The blond’s eyes widened at that as he closed the door and locked it. He had nearly forgotten that he was supposed to eat breakfast. He was never really hungry, but he usually had enough awareness to shove some food into his system, even when his parents weren’t there to remind him.

“It’s fine,” he finally mumbled. They began walking down the front walkway, rather slowly, in his opinion.

Kuroo shook his head. “You don’t understand. My mom goes crazy over visitors, so she’ll probably have a 6 course meal prepared for you.”

Tsukishima merely shrugged, hunching down a bit at the thought of having to offend that woman. He had taken a liking to her, and he didn’t like the idea of having to turn down her attempts at hospitality. Maybe he would force himself to eat a little bit. Just so she wasn’t hurt.

“So... since I am kinda new here, you have to show me around. Kay?” He poked Tsukishima’s shoulder with his index finger as his lips pulled over his teeth in another smile.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes and shook his shoulder in an attempt to dislodge him, but Kuroo pulled away quickly.

“Okay, Tsukki?” He was leaning towards the blond now, so he was somehow towering over him despite their height gap.

An uncomfortable sensation crawled across Tsukishima’s skin (one that was becoming sadly familiar) at the close proximity he was in with Kuroo and he shoved him back lightly, despite himself. “Okay, I get it. Shut up.”

He found himself fingering at the phone in his pocket in for comfort. Usually in these situations his phone was his saving grace to distract him from awkward situations, but it would be weird for him to just pull it out in a personal encounter like this. So instead he gripped it for the comfort of knowing it was here for him in case he really needed it.

“Here we are!” Kuroo swept his arm in a grand gesture towards his house. A glance over it revealed Kuroo was from a well off family. It came as no surprise to Kei, since he knew they lived in the same neighborhood which had a reputation for being upper class and snooty. The house was made of brick but painted white, and there were flowers hung in all the windows. It was cute. Tsukishima shook his head. He did not just think something was _cute._ The last thing he wanted to be was a stereotype.

Kuroo opened the door for him and Tsukishima stepped inside to be greeted by the scent of dust and a rush of cool air. The smell of fresh paint also hung in the air, a reminder that this house had not been lived in for long, at least by this family.

A woman rushed around the corner as Kuroo stepped inside; the same woman that Tsukishima had developed an affinity for at the orientation.

“Hello, Tsukishima! I’m so glad you could come over today! Kuroo has been sitting around for weeks doing nothing but volleyball and texting his old friends. Hopefully you can break him out of that habit for me.” She smiled and those laugh lines deepened. Tsukishima couldn’t help but give her a small smile back. There was just something in her presence that emanated warmth and security, and Kei did not want it to go away for a moment. “I have some watermelon on the counter if you’d like any before you go out to play.”

Tsukishima nodded and followed her to their kitchen, which had a long shiny marble counter and a matching island with stools. There were already two plates set out and an expensive looking bowl on the counter full of balls of the fruit, accented by some herb nestled between two of the spheres. It was quaint. He liked it.

Despite feeling full, he would indulge in it. He stepped forward to sit down at the counter and with a thankful nod towards Kuroo’s mom, spooned a few balls of it onto the plate before passing the spoon off to Kuroo, who was eyeing the food hungrily.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the mother leave the room quietly and his liking for her grew even more. She knew when to leave her kids alone. His own mom could learn a thing or two from her.

Tsukishima began to eat with one of the toothpicks that was set out on the counter and nearly closed his eyes at the rich flavor. He was glad he tried it, because it was the closest thing to good he had had in a long while.

* * *

 

“Try relaxing your arms a bit. It will bounce up further and more gently, which is easier for your teammates to get if they want to set it. “ Kuroo demonstrated by receiving the ball from across the net in the fashion he deemed ‘more gentle’. Kei nodded in acknowledgement and tried it for himself, relaxing his muscles before the ball hit it and flexing them as the ball came back up.

“That’s great!” Kuroo praised, and the blond resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Kuroo was such a teacher.

Before Kuroo could say anything else to embarrass himself, his mom opened the door to call for them.

“I have some cheese and crackers on the counter, boys, come take a break and eat!” She immediately left, shutting the door hard behind her.

“Okay, give us a few minutes,” Kuroo called back, giving her a grateful smile. He then turned back to Tsukishima. “I told you she’s enthusiastic about cooking.”

Tsukishima stared ahead dryly. “I didn’t doubt it for a second.”

Kuroo huffed out a breath at his sarcasm and shook his head, before his smile returned and he served up the ball once more. “Try one more time and then let’s go eat.”

“Whatever you say,” he muttered as he tracked the ball as it soared through the air before letting it meet his skin with a smack to send it spiraling gently in Kuroo’s direction.

“Nice.”

Tsukishima hunched forward to catch his breath before wiping sweat from his forehead and pushing one of his sleeves back up.

“Why are you dressed so hot, anyway?” Kuroo asked, catching the ball in the air and spinning it in his palms.

Kei’s face immediately reddened, and he snapped his gaze up to meet Kuroo’s. “What?”

Kuroo appeared to think for a moment before his smile reappeared, wider. “No. I mean why are you dressed like it’s cold outside. Like. It’s hot out. And you’re wearing long sleeves.”

Fuck. Tsukishima wanted to disappear. He wanted to vanish into a hole in the floor. But he had to play it cool. So he straightened back up, pushed his glasses up, and walked past Kuroo to enter the house, saying not a word about the interaction that just occurred.

He could hear footsteps behind him so he continued walking, measuring Kuroo’s expression from the reflection in the glass door as he opened it. He had a strange smirk on his face, and he was staring down at the ball held tight in his grasp.

Tsukishima sighed and shook his head. He would never understand some people.

* * *

 

“I just... don’t understand. I never did anything to them! What’s wrong with being gay, anyway? It’s not like I’m trying to make out with everyone I see! I just want to be normal, Tsukki! Is that too much to ask?” Yamaguchi was nearly wailing into the phone, and Tsukishima had the phone away from his ear a bit to avoid hearing loss.

He bit his lip before speaking up above Yamaguchi’s audible sniffling. “I mean, what exactly happened? How do they even know you’re... you know...” He was pathetic. He was trying to comfort his friend about his sexuality, yet he couldn’t even say the word out loud. Absolutely pathetic.

Yamaguchi sniffed loudly again before he took a deep breath to continue. “I was just getting ice cream with my friend, who I am _not_ dating. I mean, it would be cool to date him, but it’s never gonna happen... Anyway, we were just sitting at the booth eating our ice cream when a couple guys from the football team came over and started insulting us. They called me a fag. I got called a fag. To my face. I don’t know how they found out!” He broke off into sobs again, and then there was a bunch of static from Yamaguchi’s side.

“They’re assholes, you know. They’ll never learn, no matter how much you try to teach them because they don’t have enough brain cells to process new information. Just ignore them. They’re probably just saying that because it’s the worst insult they can think of. If you get the chance, just throw shade.” Tsukishima smiled internally at the idea of his friend’s tormentors being humiliated. Hell, if he was there to protect Yamaguchi from all this, they would be too scared to walk within 10 feet of him. He knew the effects of his sharp tongue better than anyone. It had caused him to be ostracized yet respected in middle school.

A broken laugh ripped itself from Yamaguchi’s throat. “You know I can’t do that. I stumble over my tongue way too much to actually sound good with comebacks. My parents won’t let me forget that.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Tell your parents to shut the fuck up. You’re awesome, and don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.” In normal circumstances he would never had uttered these words, but Yamaguchi was important. And these certainly weren’t normal circumstances.

A few hours after Tsukishima had gotten home from Kuroo’s, he had received a string of broken messages from Yamaguchi that were hardly intelligible, and so he had steeled himself to call his friend to figure out what was going on and if Yamaguchi was safe. He was. Physically, at least. His friend had been picked on by these guys all through middle school, and apparently they weren’t quite done with their abuse. Tsukishima hated it. Of all people to be bullied, especially about something they were so conscious of as he was about his sexuality, Yamaguchi was the least deserving.

He was currently laying on his stomach in bed, holding his pillow in the crook of his elbow with his face shoved sideways into it. It was around the time he should have been eating dinner, but he wasn’t hungry and wouldn’t dare disconnect from this conversation now. Not when Yamaguchi was in such a vulnerable state.

“I doubt my parents would react very well to that.” Yamaguchi chuckled.

Tsukishima couldn’t help but mutter an angry, “Move out and live with me.”

He knew it was implausible and stupid, but he couldn’t help but think that their problems would be so much more insignificant if they at least had each other. In the flesh. They could only get so much comfort from a voice over a phone, or text on a screen. He needed to see him in real life, and be able to see his red-rimmed eyes as he wept, to feel his fingers tremble as he ranted. He needed this bond to be strengthened even more.

“I wish...” Yamaguchi nearly whispered, and Tsukishima could imagine him staring off into the distance wistfully.

There was a grieving silence for a few moments before Yamaguchi spoke again. “Hey, Tsukki? Can I ask you something?” He sounded tentative.

“...I guess so.”

“Can you tell me... when you realized you were gay?” Tsukishima flinched at the statement being voiced aloud. He had said it in his head thousands of times... Read it on his computer screen twice as much. But hearing out loud seemed almost condemning.

He felt a lump form in his throat. When _did_ he realize he was gay? Was it when he first let Jirou touch him? Or was it when he learned about homosexuality online? Or was it when his mom gave him back his memories of the incident? He squeezed his eyes shut. Could he tell Yamaguchi? Of course he wouldn’t judge him for anything. Yamaguchi was a genuinely accepting, good person. Tsukishima couldn’t say the same about himself. But that didn’t matter now. He was having a conversation with an important person, and he needed to be honest and let what was going to happen happen.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I guess,” Yamaguchi said softly. He sounded beaten down, really, and Tsukishima cursed himself for taking so long to speak. This was the last thing his friend needed right now.

“I’ll tell you.” He took a deep breath and began. “I was kinda... what’s the word... Assaulted? No...” He heard an intake of breath from Yamaguchi and winced. “I was... Molested.” He shuddered at the word. It was such a vile word. He hated it. “At a young age. I don’t really remember how old I was, but I think I was turned gay then.”

Yamaguchi was silent for a few moment before he spoke, softly and cautiously. “You were turned gay?”

Tsukishima nodded, before he remembered Yamaguchi couldn’t see him and stuttered out a quick affirmative.

“Tsukki. People don’t just... turn... gay. You were born gay. Whatever happened to you back then, that has nothing to do with your sexuality today. If you seriously think you like boys because somebody touched you as a kid, then I need to have a long and serious talk with you, okay?”

Tsukishima could feel his lips turning down into a frown. “Okay.”

“Being gay is in your genes. What was the gender of the person who... who assaulted you?”

“It wasn’t assault!” he couldn’t help but snap. “He was a boy, “ he added more softly.

“I don’t know exactly what happened, and I’d be honored if you would share that with me one day, but from what you told me, it sounds like you were assaulted. Okay, so say... if it was a girl... the person who touched you. Do you think you would have liked girls instead?”

Tsukishima’s mouth went dry. He couldn’t even imagine looking at girls in that light. He could appreciate their beauty and admire their fashion, but seeing the soft lines and curves of the female body did not make his pulse speed up or his mind reel. What really got him flustered was those hard lines and broad structures of the male anatomy. He licked his lips and thought back to the time Jirou had touched him. _He ruined me._

“No. I suppose not.” He said that, but he couldn’t shake the image of Jirou’s smile, the way he nonchalantly talked to Tsukishima’s brother moments after his hand had been in his pants. It had all started from that moment and led up to now, with him thirsting after his new neighbor.

“Why am I not convinced you took that to heart?” Yamaguchi sighed, and Tsukishima could hear a sad smile in his voice. “Look, Tsukki. Thanks for telling me that. It was probably hard, right? If you ever want to spill your guts to me like I’m always doing to you, don’t hesitate. ‘Kay?”

“Yep. Thanks.” Then a little seed planted itself in Tsukishima’s brain. “Who is this guy that you went to eat ice cream with? You said you’d like to date him?”

There was a moment’s pause, then a nervous breath. “Promise you won’t judge me? I know it sounds weird. But there’s this guy I went to eat with today. His name’s Hinata Shouyou, and he’s super outgoing and nice to everybody. He has this crazy orange hair and this perfect smile. And he’s tiny. He’s so adorable.” Tsukishima smiled at the brightness that entered Yamaguchi’s tone as he began to babble on about this crush of his. “But... There’s this other guy, too. I like him just as much. He’s super quiet and hard to talk to at first... But he’s really really smart. He’s like a genius. He’s always playing video games and watching everybody. He can be nice when he wants to be. And... I love spending time with both of them. I like them both. I want to date both of them. Is that selfish of me?” His voice grew less certain as he spoke, and something tightened in Tsukishima’s gut.

“Of course not. That’s a thing. I think. I’ve heard of that. Where three or more people date at once? You’re not the only one. And hey- if you get the chance to date them, as long as you’re all okay with it, why would it be selfish? Nobody's getting hurt.” It was odd how much he talked when he was with Yamaguchi. And it was odd that he wasn’t forcing himself to shut up.

“Thanks, Tsukki. Maybe I’ll look it up later. Can I talk to you more about them though?”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes but consented, and listened to Yamaguchi’s passionate chatter until he drifted off into an unusually peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my volleyball advice was complete BS, by the way, so feel free to call me out on my mistakes with it. I’ll change stuff if I’m feeling motivated enough.  
> Also, I know the basics of polyamory, but if anyone wants to tell me more, I'd love to get your skype so you can educate me and I can learn a bit better how those relationships work.


	4. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School begins for the odd duo. Things get better. Then they come crashing down. Then Tsukishima breathes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter, but my second favorite chapter so far.

“Do you have your lunch?” Kei’s mother called from the kitchen, “And are you sure you packed all your books you need? You don’t want to start the school year off on a bad foot with your teachers!”

Kei sighed. They had been through this several times already, this morning alone. “Yep, mom, I have everything. I double checked.”

He listened to the clacking of her footsteps crossing the house and her head poked around the corner of the doorway. “Have fun, sweetie! Try and make some friends this year!” She smiled wearily at him and he gave her a small wave before exiting the house with another angsty sigh. He knew she was trying to be helpful and sweet, but she really could be overbearing sometimes.

“Hey Tsukki,” an all too familiar voice drawled from behind him. He slowly turned around to face his new classmate, Kuroo, who didn’t look at all nervous or anticipating. “Good timing!” He stretched his arms out from and yawned, rubbing at a puffy eye absentmindedly as he walked lazily toward the blond.

“Sure, good timing...” Tsukishima mumbled doubtfully to himself. He was not in the mood for Kuroo’s teasing today.

They had been hanging out every once in a while since their first meeting, and much to Tsukishima’s dismay, he was beginning to enjoy Kuroo’s company. Even with his stubborn refusal to speak freely, somehow with Kuroo’s constant rambling and prompting, there were no awkward silence between the pair. And they found they had many things in common, from a disdain for annoying relatives to a shared love for making others squirm. Unfortunately, the latter interest was used at Tsukishima’s expense a sad majority of the time. Not in a malicious way, of course, but somehow he always felt a little unsettled when Kuroo teased him with that satisfied glint in his eye and that lopsided grin on his face. He refused to admit to himself that this little crush of his was growing bigger and bigger with every interaction.

A light smack to his shoulder brought him out of his dreamland. “What are you doing getting all spaced out, man? It’s time to get ready to impress all our new classmates with our amazing looks and our gentlemanly charm!” Kuroo shot him finger guns and winked and Kei audibly groaned.

“God you are so lame...” Tsukishima played with the cuffs of his sleeves as he watched the dark haired boy out of the corner of his eye. He had no shame whatsoever. And the bad thing was, Kuroo didn’t even look bad doing lame things. Tsukishima needed serious help.

Soon they approached the school gates, and the nerves he had been holding back for the past week came flooding at him in one huge crash of a wave. He breathed in and out slowly and reassembled his mask. Kuroo’s eyes flickered toward him for a split second. He ignored it. He could do this.

“...First years! First yea- Are you two first years? Man, they make ‘em bigger and bigger every year...” A small boy that Tsukishima vaguely recognized from the volleyball team approached them quickly, and he and Kuroo halted. “I’m Nishinoya Yuu, and I’m supposed to help guide you babies to your first class I guess. And talk you over your schedules. Because apparently the staff aren’t capable of that... Anyhoo, take out your schedules and show ‘em to me!” The small boy thrust out two open palms toward their general direction, and Tsukishima slowly pulled out his schedule while giving the tiny kid a blatant once-over. He was... tiny. Petite and bony, and yet his aura was 10 times as big. The way he carried himself oozed confidence and enthusiasm, and in a way it almost made him jealous.

“What’s your problem, dude?” Nishinoya crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes almost comically, before bringing Tsukishima’s schedule back up to eye-level. “Anyway, let’s see... You have World History first bell... Dude, why did you take honors? That’s the hardest class you can take as a first year! You got yourself signed up for some hard shit.” He grabbed Kuroo’s schedule from him once he got it out of a folder in his backpack, and Nishinoya squinted as he read through it. “You guys have really similar schedules. You guys have History, P.E., Health, and Math together. All the worst classes. Congrats. Anyway, follow me and I’ll take you to your history class.”

Kei sighed. This was the most disorganized way he had ever been talked through a school schedule. “Please don’t take up too much of my time.”

Nishinoya didn’t reply; he was too busy scrutinizing the schedules, muttering to himself as he read over them, shoulders hunched and eyes intense as he walked. And then suddenly he halted and whipped around. He jabbed a finger at them. “You two are both on the volleyball team? Why didn’t you say anything sooner?! I’m the team’s libero!”

Kuroo coughed. “You’re kind of... overpowering, I didn’t really get the chance to say anything. But nice to meet you!” Him and Nishinoya shook hands, and Kei assembled his features so he looked as unfriendly as humanly possible. Nishinoya eyed him but chose not to shake his hand. “What stick’s up your ass, dude?”

Tsukishima didn’t reply, as much as he wanted to give a snarky comeback. He really wasn’t in the mood to provoke people, today, for some reason. Just make them uncomfortable. It was a compromise.

“Whatever... asshole. You two just head up that hallway and it’s the first door on your right. Don’t be afraid to ask other students for directions, though... They don’t bite!” Nishinoya was already walking away, lazily shouting his directions back to them as he went.

Kuroo called out a thanks and then they turned to go toward their first class. Kei could feel questioning eyes on him the entire long walk down the hallway, but he chose to ignore it, instead observing the crappy student art hung up along the hallways with plaques. He could surmise from them that this school didn’t put too much of its funds into improving the art program.

Kuroo stepped a long step forward in front of Kei and pulled the thick, heavy door open for him with a grunt. Kei stepped inside in front of him with no thanks and immediately honed in on a seat toward the back of the room. Not quite the back row but close enough to the back that he could get away with texting in class as long as the teacher always stayed at the front of the room. Kuroo, of course, automatically plopped into the seat on his right, leaning annoyingly close to the blond and leering at him in an irritatingly familiar way.

The door at the back of the room slammed and every student in the room gasped and jumped straight up from their seats. They all watched in awe and fear as a bald teacher stormed in, an easy smile on his face. “Welcome to hell, kids.”

* * *

“Morning bud!” Kuroo called out, voice crackly from sleep.

Tsukishima didn’t bother looking back, as he knew it was Kuroo and he also knew Kuroo never looked too pleasant in the morning, what with all the sleep sand and crazy hair and dark circles. That boy really needed to come up with a hygiene routine or something. He wiped his hands over his face, shivering as a gust of cool air whistled into the gap between his scarf and his coat. Frost was beginning to form on the grass in the morning in the stead of dew, and leaves were turning a rich gold and breaking away from the sky to tumble gracefully to the earth below. It was that time of year, already. This was the time of year Kei hated the most. It made him feel... numb.

“What’s with you today, Tsukki?” Kuroo actually sounded genuinely worried, and so Tsukishima forced himself to meet his friend’s eyes.

“Nothing, really. The weather kinda sucks.” As if to emphasize his point, another shiver rattled his body and he huddled in closer to himself.

Kuroo somehow draped a heavy arm over his shoulder and leaned in close. “Ahh, so you’re not a cold weather person? I love it. It’s so nippy and it wakes me up. Then again... I actually have some meat on my bones.”

Kei resisted rolling his eyes. He heard that speech every year at family reunions. ‘You need to eat more!’ ‘You’re skin and bones, son!’ ‘Are you feeding Kei enough?’

“Ah,” he forced himself to say in response, mostly to humor Kuroo.

“Did you study for the quiz?” Kuroo asked suddenly.

“Which one?” Kei deadpanned.

Kuroo chuckled. “History. The one that’s actually challenging.”

Their first bell class was interesting to both Kuroo and himself. It was difficult, the teacher was fun to work with yet challenging, and of course, for Kei at least, it was impossible to dislike a history class. And even though it was only a few weeks into the school year, he could already tell this would be his favorite class.

“Yeah. Till 3.”

Kuroo quirked an eyebrow. “Damn. You must be tired. I only studied till 10... but I’m pretty good at memorizing stuff.”

Kei nodded. “I kinda got absorbed in re-reading the chapter, and I accidentally got ahead. It’s very interesting to me... just how these civilizations formed the mold for every future civilization, and even the ones that we live in today. All of it is routed back to the ways of hunters and gatherers and how they formed methods of communication and technology over time.” He snapped his mouth shut, a small blush rising to his face when he registered all that he had just spilled.

Kuroo was just smiling warmly at him. “Every time you do that, you get cuter and cuter.”

Kei snapped his head up and toward Kuroo. “What?”

“Ah, nothing.”

Tsukishima’s heart skipped a beat and his palms began to sweat, despite the cold.

* * *

“Alright boys, we’re doing laps today. Get your asses in the locker room and you better be changed in 5 minutes or I’m giving you all extra laps,” the coach barked. The small group of teenagers hustled to the locker room to get changed, hurrying mostly to make the coach happy. They all knew he never really followed through on his threats.

Kei pulled his grey shirt and sweatpants out of his bag and quickly stripped off his shirt and pulled the grey one on instead. It was bland and he hated it, but it was the dress code and he wasn’t about to get a detention for the sake of fashion.

“No way!” A voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned to see the Justin Beiber hair boy... Eito, he was pretty sure his name was, slouched against a locker with his shirt in his hand, slung over his shoulder. He was crossing his arms confidently, and as Tsukishima observed, he flicked his luscious locks back with a head toss. Tsukishima fought back a smirk. Kuroo and him had been making fun of the guy behind his back since the very first day. He was way too overconfident; he acted like every girl in the school was thirsting after him and disrespected the authority in every possible way just for the “street cred”, as he called it. Tsukishima tuned back into his conversation.

“I swear it’s true. He’s a total fag. He was staring at me during the whole practice. I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.”

It felt like the world was lurching to a halt and his stomach was dropping and all the blood in his body rushed to his feet. He realized too late he had dropped the pants he was about to pull on and was staring wide-eyed at the group of boys.

They ignored him though. “That’s disgusting. You think he realizes every other guy at this school is straight? What’s he even doing here?” The boy speaking shivered in Kei’s peripheral. “I bet he likes it up the ass, too. Oh god.”

Kei forced himself to turn around as he grated his teeth together in fear or shock or anxiety or all of it combined.

And then he heard a slam and him along with every other boy in the locker room snapped back around to identify the source. It was Kuroo. His fist was inches above the boy’s head, and his eyes were wide with a boiling hatred and his jaw was tensed and his muscles were practically shaking with livid intensity. “The fuck did you say? I dare you to say it again.” Eito straightened up from his cowering position when Kuroo paused, and a small smirk flitted over his lips. As soon as he took in a breath to retaliate, though, Kuroo cut him off. “There’s nothing that a gay guy could like about you, you know. Maybe he was staring at you because he couldn’t get over how huge your nose in comparison to the size of your intelligence and logic.”

The locker room was in silence at this point, and Kei’s hands had been visibly shaking since the beginning of the whole fiasco, but now they were trembling so violently that when he leaned over to pick up his shirt, he nearly missed. While he was bent over, he tried to compose his face to the best of his ability, pushing his glasses up and forcing his lips up from their stiff frown.

Eito feigned a disgusted shudder and tried to compose his demeanor, but he couldn’t wipe that petrified look from his face. Good. “Why are you defending the guy? If you’re a cocksucker too, nobody wanted to know. Keep it to yourself and we won’t have anymore problems.”

Kei’s anger boiled over, and he outwardly composed himself before strolling up to where Kuroo and Eito were standing. He raised a hand up to center his glasses on his face and let his mouth twist up in a slight smirk. He knew he looked terrifying. “Nobody in this school would ever want to fuck you, so stop worrying about it. You are hideous. I think someone’s in the closet right here,” he chuckled into his hand. _Oh the irony._ He leaned over to exaggerate their height difference. A cruel smile grew on his face the moment he saw genuine fear flash across the other’s. “How pathetic. You can’t even defend yourself.” He narrowed his eyes and reveled in the fearful shudder that crept across the other boy’s back, and he backed up, lowering his head and averting his eyes.

“Shit, calm down, man. You know it was all joking...” He laughed uneasily, but Kei just kept on smiling.

As he picked up his clothes from the floor and swept his bag onto his back, he spoke. “Oh, I’m calm. Just... watch your back.” And with that, he exited the room.

When he got far enough away from the locker room, he slid down the wall to sit on the grass, his hands over his ears as he squeezed his eyes shut to block out the regret and shame and guilt that was building up deafeningly, but even so that pounding in his head only got louder. Then he felt a hand clamp on his shoulder and shake him, and he opened his eyes against the blinding emotion. It was Kuroo. The pounding had stopped. It was Kuroo.

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asked. He seemed to get asked this every day. He wasn’t sure of the answer himself. Especially not right now. The mixture of self-satisfaction for telling the boy off and making him squirm was just about level with the gross feeling he got whenever he caught himself looking too long at a cute boy or flashing back to that moment with Jirou in the basement. And the horrible shame he felt for most likely giving himself away to the entire locker room. He exhaled softly past his rapidly tightening throat.

“I’m just fuckin’...”

After a pause, Kuroo laughed nervously. “That was fucking scary, man. I never thought a cute guy like you could look so murderous.” The shorter boy’s eyes darkened. “Thanks for helping me out, though. You know... I’m... bi, so that kind of meant a lot to me.”

His mind was clearing now. He bit the inside of his cheek as what his friend said registered. “You’re... bi....”

What. What. Kuroo was bi? Sure... he was always teasing him about “being cute” and shit, but he was actually not straight? He was surely screwing with him... right? Since he knew now that he was gay... he probably just wanted to be able to laugh at him. This all one big joke. That had to be it. After all, Kei was the only person who was... different. The only person he had ever seen who was also different was a friend he had online... and he was probably in on the joke, too.

Kuroo laughed again, nervously this time. “Yeah... You’re okay with this, right?”

Kei bit his cheek even harder, and a copper taste flooded his mouth. He released his jaw. “Yeah. I’m. I’m gay.”

What was he saying what was he saying what was he saying? Kuroo never asked him. Kuroo was probably lying. Oh god oh god what was he doing this was all going downhill and he wasn’t going to survive this encounter and he needed to run away and clear his mind it was all too much.

“No fucking way. I mean... wow... okay.” Kuroo, for once, seemed to be at a loss for words. Kuroo had been serious. That reaction couldn’t be faked. And what was Kei thinking, anyway? Kuroo hadn’t faked being his friend for over a month just to set him up for some stupid cruel joke. And Yamaguchi... he was ashamed he had doubted him. Yamaguchi meant way too much to him for him to doubt that way. Kei wasn’t the only one. Kuroo was here, for one thing. He nearly slapped himself as this all dawned on him. Kuroo’s shocked expression had faded, and was replaced with a glowing smile, full of light and life. “I really thought I was the only one at this school. This is so...” he paused to swipe at his eyes, and Kei sniffed, despite himself.

“Yeah.” he agreed. “Me too.”

He turned away from Kuroo as tears welled in his eyes and his lip trembled and his throat tightened and his nose stinged.

He wasn’t the only one. He wasn’t the only person who had to deal with this shit. He wasn’t alone.

He had someone.

As fucking annoying and smug and self-entitled as that someone was, that someone existed in his life.

He felt relieved. It was like a flood that had been building up inside of him ever since his mom had taken him on that car ride just evaporated instantly. He was not completely alone. Maybe, just maybe, he could try and be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s so weird having Nishinoya as an upperclassman to Kuroo.... but whatever. It’s my fic and I can do what i want to. I feel so sappy right now so sorry about this, but I have a crush right now so Kei’s feelings are actually relatable to me and I am puttin my mushy emotions into everything. Oh and in case u couldn’t already tell that history class he’s taking is TOTALLY stolen from my first bell class freshman year. And his gym class teacher too. Wow what ever happened to creativity anyway?
> 
> blog : haikiuyu.tumblr.com  
> comment or email me please!


	5. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei regrets. And he remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you delve into this angsty pool of suffering, please read!  
> I have gone back into this and edited it, more heavily in some places than others, so I would recommend you reread the whole thing at this point. If you don't have time to do this or don't want to, just keep in mind that the flashback that used to be at the beginning of the fic that described what happened to Tsukishima has been removed. (So the story starts off with Kei at orientation).  
> Okay, with that out of the way, continue on!
> 
> OH YEAH: In this chapter there is a flashback to the incident, so skip past the italicized section if you don't wanna see that. And rape is a big topic in this chapter, so proceed with caution.

 

When Kei received his health class itinerary at the beginning of the year, he had dumped it in the trash can walking out the door on the first day. He had figured with Kuroo sitting across from him and cracking jokes every fifteen seconds, he would be too distracted to pay much attention anyway. They had gone through three weeks of torturous driving safety education, and had moved quickly through how to have a healthy relationship if you’re straight. On Wednesday, when he walked into health class, written in bold yellow letters on the smartboard were the words “ **Sexual Assault Prevention** ”. His heart sank.

He took his time pulling out his notebooks, highlighters, pencils, and got his notebook ready for note-taking. Even for Health class, he had neatly color coded notes for each subject. Kuroo had repeatedly told him that his notes were  _ too _ meticulous, but his organization was one of the few things about himself that Kei was proud of. He usually ignored Kuroo’s jabs at him, anyway. He knew they were never made for the purpose of actually offending him. 

He swallowed when he was done laying out his supplies. There were only so many times that one could smooth out a page on a notebook before it started to catch other people’s notice, after all. 

Right before the bell rang, Kuroo ran in, panting. Kei watched as Kuroo’s eyes flickered to the board. When he read it, he let out a low groan and plopped into his seat across from Kei loudly. 

“This is gonna be heavy shit,” Kuroo grumbled, but there was a small smile on his mouth as he nudged Kei’s knee with his own.

Kei just rested his cheek on his fist to hide the frown that was becoming more and more apparent on his face. Kuroo raised an eyebrow, but before he could question Kei’s silence, the bell rang.

At that, the students quieted down and the health teacher hobbled to the front. 

“As I’m sure you all have noticed, we are learning about a very serious issue today. I handed out the itinerary beforehand, so hopefully if you didn’t want to be present during this lesson you have already spoken to me privately. If not, raise your hand and we can discuss your cases individually in the hallway.” 

Kei rolled his eyes. As if anybody would raise their hand, even if they were uncomfortable with the presentation. Not with the entire class watching. He wasn’t comfortable with this, but he couldn't even imagine having the nerve to be able to raise his hand in front of everybody and explain to the teacher why he wanted to sit out of this one. 

As predicted, nobody raised their hands. Kei noticed a few boys whispering to each other with smirks on their faces, gesturing to an image underneath the title of the slideshow that featured a man pinning a woman down. 

This was starting off wonderfully.

The health teacher nodded. “Alright. Today we are learning all about rape: how to keep rape from happening, how to identify if someone may need help getting out of an unhealthy situation, and how to establish consent in relationships. I’ll be teaching this subject for roughly a week, but I know it’s a heavy topic, so the less you guys talk, the faster this will be over with. 

Kei took a deep breath. A whole week of this. Maybe he could fake sick a few days this week. Or something.

“Before we begin, I think it’s important that I emphasize this to all of you.” The health teacher’s eyes lingered on the group of ever whispering boys in the corner. “Eito, this is the time to pay attention,” she said sharply, causing him to jump up from his apparently amusing conversation. “Roughly one fifth of the ladies in this classroom have experienced sexual assault, or will by the time they turn 18.”  _ And one guy, too. “ _ This is a serious subject, and I expect you to listen to this presentation accordingly. Before you crack a joke, think about your friends sitting around you who may have been subject to the horrors you are about to learn about. That’s all I can say before I begin. We’ll start now.”

Kei let out a quiet, shaky breath. He was the only boy in the room who was going to be affected by this at all. He could tell by the relaxed posture of everyone around him. Boys already started slouching in their chairs, ready to nap the lecture out. Kei wanted to be able to relax, but he was sitting stock straight, staring straight ahead at the screen.

After his mom told him... about it... that was the end of the discussion. Not once afterwards had she brought it up, and of course he hadn’t either. This was all going to be new information for him, and it wasn’t like the topic of rape came up in everyday conversation. In fact, he couldn't recall a single conversation that ever veered anywhere in the direction of rape. Now he would have to listen to someone talk about it for a week. He discreetly wiped the sweat off his palms.

“To ease you guys into it, today, we’ll be showing you a few videos toward the end of the bell. For now, listen up, because we will be having a quiz on this.” She tapped to the next slide. “The first misconception about sexual assault is that it is all penetrative.” The class groans. “Maturity,” she snaps. That quiets everyone down. “In fact, within sexual assault there are multiple categories. First, sexual harassment. This is touching or speaking with someone in a sexual manner without their consent. Yes, that includes slapping a stranger’s butt, or cat calling. Don’t do it. You will get in big trouble. Next, child sexual abuse. Any sexual contact with a person under the age of 16 is considered child sexual abuse. If you participate in this, you will be sent to jail.”

Kei widened his eyes.  _ So that’s what it’s called. _ Jirou never went to jail though... That he was aware of, anyway. He snapped around without thinking when a hand raised in his peripheral. Could they read his mind? Oh my god...

“What if you fuck when you’re both under 16?” A girls asks, smacking her gum in her mouth. 

There are a few snorts around the classroom, and the teacher rolls her eyes. “First of all, language. Second of all, it depends on the case there. If you are both consenting and in equal positions of power, usually nothing will be done. It will usually be overlooked, but if one partner is under the age of 13, you will be getting in trouble, missy. Are we ready to move on?” Silence followed her question.

“Last is rape. You all know what that is, I’m sure. Penetration without consent. If your partner is drunk, don’t do it. A drunk person can’t establish consent, meaning if you were sober during the act, you can be accused of rape.

“A simple way to not get in trouble with these laws is to make sure that your partner is always consenting, not to harass people unnecessarily, and to avoid having intercourse with children.”

The class laughed. Kei didn’t.

Even Kuroo was spaced out, playing with Kei’s foot under the table and spinning a pencil on top of his desk, tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth. Kei wished he could be that relaxed. 

“Now, what exactly _ is _ consent?” Finally, the teacher's voice faded from his ears.

He almost wished it didn’t. He couldn't get the name ‘Jirou’ to stop tumbling around his head. Jirou must have been around fifteen or sixteen years old when it happened. Hadn’t he taken this class? Hadn’t he known the consequences of his actions? And if he did, what made him decide he should break the law and do it? Was Kei really that appealing? Looking back on it, at around 7 years old, his limbs were still average in length, he was missing a few front teeth, and his glasses were made of crooked metal wire. He couldn't see the appeal in that, even if he did have a nice bone structure and pretty skin. And he was  _ young. _ He put a hand on his throat as his adam's apple bobbed up and down. In that moment, it dawned on him.  _ Our parents used to be friends... _ Was his mom still talking to Jirou’s mom? Was Akiteru still talking to Jirou? 

He clenched his eyes shut, forcing himself to stop thinking. The teacher’s voice broke back into his consciousness. She was rambling on about putting on some video that showed just how unsuspecting an assault situation could be. 

Kei opened his eyes to see Kuroo peering at him, his eyes twinkling with amusement. 

“Now don’t fall asleep, there, Tsukki! We get to watch videos about rape now!” He grinned and kicked his foot. Kei didn't laugh at the joke, and pulled away his foot with a small frown.

Kei lifted his chin so he was looking down at Kuroo even though their heads were at the same height. It made him feel more stable, somehow. “As a generally mature person, I don’t find rape jokes very amusing.”

Kuroo’s eyes widened, and he lifted up his hands in a placating gesture. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have said that.” His eyes lowered to his desk.

Kei observed that Kuroo’s cheeks were tinged with pink, and decided Kuroo had recognized his mistake. 

“It’s fine.”

Kuroo laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his head just as the music from the video began to play. 

A small boy was being featured playing in a garden filled with fake plants. Suddenly, a man with greying hair walked into the scene quickly, and pulled the little boy by his wrist off screen. 

It’s as if it was rehearsed. One person giggled in the back of the classroom and then the entire class joined in at once. Kei could only hear blood rushing through his ears.

It was a little boy, just like him. And his own classmates were laughing at it like it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen. He felt his stomach coil a bit in self loathing, and rested his cheek on his clenched fist once more. He couldn't wait for the bell to ring. He wanted to cry. 

He knew that part of it was the poor quality of the video. He knew that the way he grabbed the boy and ran off was comical. But... it still hit him like a punch to the gut. Normal people really couldn't sympathize with someone in his situation. He really never would be taken seriously by most of the people around him.

Luckily, the bell rang as Kei shoved his things into his bag with shaky fingers, and he exited the room just in time to cut off Eito joking with his friends. “Come here little boy and let me-”

“Hey, wait up, Tsukki! What’s the rush?” Kuroo called from behind him.

He glared behind him and muttered just loud enough for Kuroo to hear, “I’m not in the mood to walk together. Go to your next class by yourself.”

Kuroo slowed his pace, and Kei’s gut clenched further when he saw Kuroo’s face painted a mixture of confusion and rejection, but he continued down the hallway without hesitating further. Anything to get him away from that classroom.

Even if he were to talk to Kuroo right now, he would probably just end up hurting Kuroo even more. And that’s the last thing he wanted to do, especially after trusting Kuroo with so much. How could he let Kuroo down like that?

His last bell ended before he even knew it started, and soon he found himself rushing to volleyball practice, using a different route than usual to avoid meeting up with Kuroo. 

When he reached the team’s locker room, he quickly changed and left the room without talking to anyone. Although some of his team members had grown more comfortable around him over the past few weeks, most still avoided contact with him. Only Kuroo and the upperclassmen who weren’t fazed by his attitude treated him normally. He was okay with that. He didn’t deserve much better, anyway.

“Come on, guys! We’ve been going heavy on drills these past few weeks, so today we’re going to have a scrimmage. We already have teams picked out so don’t get your hopes up,” Daichi called out to the team. 

Grumbles arose from the group of boys. Kei didn’t care. He just  _ had  _ to play. He had to feel his palm slide against the ball and let the adrenaline rush through him. If he couldn't play now, he didn’t know what he would be able to do. Sometimes his stomach just hurt so bad that all he could do was lay there and think. And thinking was something that was too much, sometimes. Right now, volleyball seemed like the only possible thing to distract him.

He ended up on a team with Kuroo and a few other strong players, but a majority of the team was mediocre. That was okay. He could win by himself. 

The other team threw up the ball and someone behind Kei received it. He didn’t care. Right now he just needed to touch the ball. 

Kuroo hit the ball past the blockers on the other side, and Daichi fell back to receive it just when Kei thought it would be their point. The ball was flying up into the air again, and when it went over the net Kuroo and he went up in unison to block the ball. It hit his left hand and it stung. 

Kuroo was oddly quiet; he had tried a few times to initiate conversation while the game was being set up but Kei had shut them all down. Now, at this point in the game, Kuroo would usually attempt to initiate some sort of high five or even give him a simple thumbs up. Not anymore. Kuroo just kept staring ahead, watching as the other team regrouped. It seemed Kuroo had given up on him. That was okay. 

He shook out his stinging hand as the ball was transferred to their side of the net for a serve. His block had gotten them a point. He felt a glimmer of satisfaction that he pushed down immediately. He could do better. 

He felt someone clap him on the back and stumbled forward a few steps. The blood was still rushing in his ears. He felt like he was choking.

He forced himself back into position, and when he bumped Kuroo’s shoulder on accident, he didn’t bother apologizing. Kuroo bit his lip as he turned toward him. Kei forced his gaze forward again, and found himself jumping up when the ball careened toward him. Kuroo was late, but Kei stretched out his arm to block the ball where Kuroo would have missed it.

His team hooted and hollered. They weren’t even keeping points. Why did this matter?

He glared down at his palm, but almost smiled when he saw the redness that was spreading across both of them. The pain in his gut was still there, but it was dulling. The thought struck him suddenly, without any notice, and it careened through his very core.

When it happened, all those years ago, he didn’t even know it was bad.

* * *

 

_ I couldn’t help but bounce in excitement. In my 7 year old mind all I could think about was playing the Gamecube again- it was always the highlight of my week when Akiteru’s friends came over. They were so good from the hours they spent at home training their fingers to react at a moment's notice. I was not nearly as good as them, but I knew that the more I practiced the better I would get. Partially I just loved the attention they would give me. Being around 15 years old, the boys were especially cool and I always bragged to my friends about hanging out with them.  _

_ We would always sit huddled in the basement, eyes glued to the screen with our Gamecube controllers clutched in our sweaty hands. Hours on end we would play, until our fingers were numb and our eyes burned. Some days we got rowdier though. Like today.  _

_ Somehow we all ended up rolling on the floor and bouncing around the room, hyper from the snacks we had been inhaling since my brother and his friends had gotten home from school.  _

_ “Hey, Kei,” hissed Jirou, one of Akiteru’s best friends. His eyes were glinting with an emotion that at my age I couldn’t quite detect. “Come over here.” _

_ He was motioning toward one of the little shabby couches towards the side of the room my parents had bought a few months ago. It was a perfect hide-and-seek couch, because it could easily fit an adult underneath. There wasn’t too much space on the underside, but there was enough that a person could lay one there side with their shoulders scraping the dusty top. He crawled underneath and motioned for me to follow. I complied- I admired this boy; I heard he had even beaten Tales of Symphonia once- and he pulled me closer once I had wiggled under the metal rod that framed the couch cushions. It was a bit cramped and I was struggling to fit all the way in, so he put his hands under my armpits and pulled me up till our faces were lining up. It was hot under here. We were so close we were sharing breaths and the moist air that hit the skin on my face was a bit uncomfortable. I didn’t mind though. Something fun was about to happen and I knew it. _

* * *

 

He splashed water onto his face, gasping. He was a mess. His mask was wavering. His eyes were threatening to water up, and his lips were pressed so tight together it hurt. His stomach was twisting and tumbling all over itself and he couldn't hold back this agony.

“Tsukishima-” A hand fell on his shoulder and he whipped around, face twisting in anger or fear, or both combined.

“Get off!” Kei was baring his teeth. Kuroo jumped back, his hands up. Just like during health class. 

Kei took a shaky breath in and forced himself to stand up straight. Brushed off his pants, though there was no dust in sight. Pushed his glasses up on his face. Reassembled his mask. 

His eyes weren’t meeting Kuroo’s. For once, he couldn't bear to read his face. He would rather be clueless to what they were thinking than be forced to see the blatant disgust in their eyes. He couldn't quite pull up that taunting expression he was so good at to hide his insecurity, so he looked at the floor, and started walking. 

“It’s not you. Talk to me tomorrow,” he spoke in monotone as he passed by Kuroo. He didn’t bother to see Kuroo’s reaction. He was too busy trying not to curl in on himself.  _ Everything will be better tomorrow. _

 

When he got home, he pulled out his phone and texted two words to Kuroo, unable to stop himself.

 

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the angst. It's just a natural Shanblue occurrence. Next chapter should be fairly satsifying for y'all KuroTsukki fans if ya know what i mean ;)  
> Also sorry updates are taking so long. I am a lazy student with anxiety. You know the drill.


	6. Merge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At that moment, all his problems seemed so far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god this chapter makes me squeal. I hope you enjoy!

Kei leaned back in his desk chair, letting his knuckles rap against the glass covering

of his desk. There was a small stink bug humming loudly in the corner of the ceiling. Every time its wings hit the plaster, it sounded like electricity buzzing through the room. He tracked it with dull eyes. 

It had been two weeks since the incident during health class. Everything was okay now. It was all ancient history. They had resumed their frequent volleyball matches in Kuroo’s backyard and Kuroo was back to his usual quips and teasing. 

At least, everything was supposed to be okay now, but somehow it wasn’t. Even now, trying to focus on homework, thoughts of Him were plaguing Kei to the point where he didn’t even know what he was learning about. 

He closed his textbook with a sigh, letting his head drop onto the desk and letting the sporadic buzzing of the fly lull him into an almost sleep. Back when Jirou had used him, he had allowed it. He had been excited for it, naive. And afterwards... Kei swallowed against the bile in his throat. When Kei had finally asked Jirou to stop, and Jirou had said no, he didn’t even fight back further. He had allowed it to go on even longer. It was pathetic. Was he that twisted at such a young age that he was okay with being taken advantage of? Sure, nobody had ever told him, as a young boy, to watch out for his older brother’s friends, but... Surely he should have had some kind of instinct that would tell him to stay away from Jirou... That when an older boy takes down your pants you were supposed to push him away. Maybe there was something that drew him  _ to  _ Jirou, if he had allowed him to go that far. Kei bit his lip. 

_ He couldn't even remember Jirou’s face.  _

Jirou weighed so heavily on Kei’s mind, and yet when he thought back to the incident, he could only come up with a blurry picture.

He remembered tousled, choppy blond hair. Baggy clothes that never  _ quite _ looked right. He remembered the amount of times Jirou referred to things as ‘sweet’.  _ (‘Sweet, this new game is coming out in 3D!’ ‘We got a new weapon. Sweet!’)  _ He could even remember that his fingers were long and bony, light freckles adorning his skin, and that he had numerous hangnails. But the face remained blank. If he were to see Jirou again, he wasn’t even positive he would recognize him.

He shook his head, and opened his textbook back up again. He needed to focus. World History, no matter how much he enjoyed it, was not a walk in the park. Just as he was pulling a notebook out from his bag to take notes in, his phone buzzed on the table. With a hint of relief at being able to postpone textbook reading a little farther, he unlocked his phone. 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 10:13pm_ **

_ Hey! Aprntly a new ice cream shop opened  _

_ up close to the school that’s supposed to be _

_ rlly good. Wanna go? _

 

Kei thought for a moment. There was no reason he couldn't go, besides how late it was. But if his mom knew he was going out this late to be _ social _ , and with Kuroo of all people, he knew that she would allow it. He waited to respond, still, for just a few minutes before to make Kuroo just a little uncomfortable. Something had to take down that giant ego of his, really. 

The stinkbug buzzed loudly once more against the ceiling before falling like a dead weight to the ground. He was caught between relief and disgust. He decided to just let it sit there, in favor of messaging Kuroo back.

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 10:17pm_ **

_ Sure. Where are we meeting? _

 

It took Kuroo a little longer than usual to reply.

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 10:19pm_ **

_ Yay!! Wasn’t expecting you to say yes!!!! On a  _

_ school night, too, Tsukki, so scandalous~~ _

_ I can meet you at your house in about 5. _

 

Kei rolled his eyes, smiling a little despite himself. He shut his phone and headed for the bathroom to freshen up.

 

* * *

 

Kuroo was tense. Kei only had to look at him once to realize this. Kuroo’s eyes kept shifting around, seeming to not be able to focus on anything. He had his hands shoved into his pockets, and his arm muscles (that Kei were not appreciating, of course not) were taut and unmoving. 

He didn’t know what was going on with Kuroo, but it was starting rub off on him. He rolled his shoulders back and cracked his neck. Honestly, it was starting to unnerve Kei. He wasn’t used to Kuroo, the king of confidence and relaxation, being so on edge. 

While Kuroo usually filled up Kei’s silence with meaningless rambling, tonight there was a tense silence between them that he couldn't quite grasp the meaning of.

Kei cleared his throat. “So. What’s up? Why’d you want to come out here so late?” 

Kuroo’s head jerked up as if he had been pulled out of a daydream, and he flashed Kei a small grin. “I don’t know. I was just really craving ice cream, I guess. And who better to eat ice cream with than Tsukishima Kei?”

He snorted, speeding up his pace a little. “Whatever you say.” He decided not to comment on the tense set of Kuroo’s shoulders and the way he was still biting his lip anxiously. If Kuroo had a purpose here, he would come out and say it eventually.

“I promise you I have nothing but good intentions, Tsukki,” Kuroo assured him, bumping their shoulders together.

Kei eyed the empty street warily. “I don’t know... It’s pitch-dark out here, there’s nobody around, and you’re leading me pretty far away from home. How can I be sure you aren’t trying to murder me?” 

Kuroo slammed a hand over his heart. “ Is that what you really think of me, Tsukki? You really think I’m that stupid? If I were trying to murder you, I wouldn’t have texted you the place we’re going. That might tip the police off. And a location so close to the school? Now that’s just a beginner’s mistake right there.”

“The fact that you’ve thought that you’ve thought it out this far does not reassure me.”

Kuroo patted Kei’s shoulder consolingly. “Don’t worry, bro. I’m a sweetheart. I wouldn’t dream of murdering you.”

Kei considered this. It was, much to his annoyance, true. Kuroo was a pretty nice guy. Even so, he jerked his arm away from their contact, an embarrassed scowl growing on his face. He was suddenly thankful it was so dark and the road didn’t have street lights. 

“Is the ice cream place even going to be open at this hour?” Kei asked suddenly.

Kuroo grinned at him. “Yup. It’s a 24 hour shop.”

Kei nodded and pulled his phone out to check the time. Since the walk to school was fairly long and the ice cream shop was another 10 minutes past the school, it was already 11 o'clock. 

He raised his eyebrows to see that Yamaguchi had messaged him 20 minutes ago. Quickly, he told him he was going out for a while and wouldn’t be able to reply before returning his phone to his pocket. 

A glance over at Kuroo revealed he was looking up at the night sky, eyes droopy. 

“You tired?” he couldn't stop himself from asking.

“A little,” Kuroo replied, “But look! We’re here! I’m sure the ice cream will wake me right back up.”

Kei assessed the building. It was small, a perfect square, it seemed, and all the walls were made out of glass. The back wall was painted orange. “Let’s go in, then.”

He pushed the door open and made his way to the counter. They were the only ones in the shop besides the cashier, who regarded them with a slurred greeting. Kei didn’t even bother looking at the ice cream menu. 

“I’ll have a small cup of strawberry.” The cashier nodded dully, before turning to Kuroo. “Oh, no, we’re sep-”

Kuroo held up a hand and winked. “Don’t worry, Tsukki, this one’s on me.”

Well, he wasn’t going to argue with that. He fell back and let Kuroo order, and when they both received their ice cream they decided to sit outside on a bench so their conversation wasn’t intruded on by the tired cashier.

“What do you think? Is it up to Tsukki standards?” Kuroo asked, a glint in his eye.

Kei rolled his eyes as he pushed a spoonful in his mouth. Slightly sweeter than necessary, but very strawberry-like. He approved. “Sure.”

Kuroo was quiet for a few more seconds before he turned sharply toward Kei, making him jump slightly. Kuroo seemed to be steeling himself, so Kei remained quiet despite his desire to tell Kuroo off for startling him.

“Tsukki... there’s something I need to tell you.” Kuroo took a deep breath. “So, ever since I first met you, I’ve felt the urge to... I don’t know, get to know you? But I think it’s kinda grown. I...” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I like you.”

Kei was speechless. He was piecing together the words and trying to paint a picture of what it looked like in his head and then it hit him. Kuroo liked him.  _ Kuroo liked him. Kuroo  _ told _ Kei that he liked him. _

He knew his face was flaming, so he kept his eyes trained on the bench. Kuroo’s hands were just a few centimeters away from his own. He could touch them without even moving his hands at all. Kei slowly looked up, to see Kuroo slowly opening his eyes, peeking out at Kei to gauge his reaction. 

Kei knew that besides the slight flush of color on his cheeks, his face was blank. He took in a small breath. “Um.” Then he swallowed, and took in some air with it, and started coughing and choking violently. He kept this up for a solid 30 seconds before his coughing fit subsided. 

He glared when he saw that Kuroo was suppressing a laugh despite his situation.

“You like me,” he finally said dumbly, when he had regained control over his gag reflex.

Kuroo nodded, watching him expectantly. His hands were clenching and unclenching on the bench.

Now Kei had to think. Because he knew that he liked Kuroo, and had been suppressing these feelings for quite a while, but he also knew that there were risks in exploring a relationship with Kuroo. But for some reason- perhaps it was how late it was, or maybe the sugar from the ice cream had gotten to his head- right now he didn’t want to think about the risks.

He took in another deep breath before meeting Kuroo’s anxious gaze. He opened his mouth to talk, then closed it again, and dragged his eyes back down to the bench. “Me too, I guess...” he mumbled, so quietly that Kuroo had to lean in. 

A huge grin spread on Kuroo’s face, even wider than any smile he had ever seen from him. His eyes were sparkling brightly in the dim light, and it was like all the tense muscles in Kuroo’s body evaporated. He looked... elated. 

Kei’s face was burning hot. He smacked his palms over the sides of his face. “God, Kuroo... You don’t just... do that.”

Kuroo leaned in again. “Do what?” He was trying to catch Kei’s eye, but Kei was determined to avoid eye contact.

Kei waved his hands around. “That. You don’t just... confess to people like that. It’s so embarrassing,” he grumbled.

Kuroo snickered, before leaning in to take a bite of his ice cream sundae. “People have to get together somehow, though.”

Kei hesitated, his spoon stilling in front of his mouth. “Is that... what you want from this? Do you want us to be together?”

Kuroo bit his lip, his eyes flitting over to look at Kei quickly before staring at the sky. “I mean, I’d love that, if you want to.” His voice was uncharacteristically soft.

“Okay.” Kei breathed. He was already going to hell at this point, with or without a romance involving another dude. May as well enjoy it before his inevitable fall.

Kuroo was smiling around a spoonful of vanilla ice cream, pressing his lips together in an attempt to suppress it. “I can’t believe I’m dating you now.”

Kei couldn't quite manage to bring back the scowl. He wouldn’t admit it, but knowing that he was the one to make Kuroo smile so brightly and to feel so happy was thrilling. Quickly, he shoved the final spoonful of ice cream into his mouth and stood up to throw it in the garbage. 

Kuroo followed behind him and they began the walk home, side by side. Kuroo laced his fingers with Kei’s. Kei was glad that the air was just a bit nippy. It meant his palms weren’t sweating like they normally would be, so he tightened his grip on Kuroo’s hand. Kuroo bumped their shoulders together, and this time, Kei returned the gesture, leaning into the warmth of Kuroo’s body and almost relaxing. Almost.

The atmosphere between them was so gentle that at that moment, with the soft thumping of their feet against the road, the moon shining bright in the sky, their breaths fogging out in front of them and hands joined warmly, he wouldn’t have minded staying there forever.

 

* * *

 

 

Kuroo left him at the door, a blush and a smile on his face, and Kei had resisted the urge to lean in and kiss him. He couldn't do that here. Instead he quickly went inside, said goodbye, and locked the door behind him. 

When he walked inside, his mother was laying on the couch watching a drama. As he approached she turned around, yawning. “How was your night out with Kuroo?”

“It... it was really good.” Well, he wasn’t _ lying. _

He cursed himself for letting his emotions reach his voice, and turned away to start heading upstairs. 

He stopped when his mom called out to him. “Kei, honey. I’m really happy that you’re starting to make some friends. I knew you could open up to people- you just had to find someone you meshed well with.” Her voice was soft and proud, and at that moment Kei felt so,  _ so guilty.  _

She didn’t know that Kuroo and he didn’t stop at just friends anymore. If his mom found out... well. He was guessing she wouldn’t be quite as supportive of their friendship. So he just pressed his lips together and continued up the steps.

He stopped at the last step. “Goodnight, mom.”

“Sweet dreams, Kei.”

\------------------  
  


As soon as he closed the door to his room, he grinned widely and almost squealed. His feelings of guilt were swept away the moment he pictured Kuroo’s blushing face, eyes screwed up tight. He leaned back against his door, taking deep breaths in and out. He knew his eyes were tearing up. He didn’t care. He knew his nose was starting to sting. He didn’t care. He wanted to jump around the room and scream from the rooftops. Kuroo was  _ his.  _ That was so weird to even imagine. But it was the truth. He dropped his phone onto his night stand and belly flopped into his bed, hugging his pillow tight. His cheeks were starting to hurt. 

Kuroo was  _ his. _

At that moment, all of his problems seemed so far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHhhhhh I did it. I successfully made a happy chapter. Only limited amounts of angst.  
> If anybody has any drabble requests, I'm willing to take them right now so hmu on tumblr.


	7. Mauerbauertraurigkeit and Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi has some news, and the Museum awaits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an explicit molestation scene in italics toward the end. Skip the italics at the end if you don't wanna see that.

_ Message from: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:04pm_ **

_ OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD _

_ Message to: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:05pm_ **

_ What’s up? _

 

_ Message from: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:05pm_ **

_ HINATA ASKED ME OUT. WE ARE  _

_ GOING ON A DATE THIS WEEKEND.  _

_ OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH M _

 

_ Message to: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:05pm_ **

_?! _

 

_ Message from: Yamagücci _ **_time: 7:08pm_ **

_ Oh my god we were just walking home  _

_ from school and then he suddenly pulled _

_ me into an alleyway so nobody would hear _

_ and he asked me on a date and we kissed _

_ and i was freaking out but he was too so it _

_ was okay!!!! i didn't even know he was  _

_ interested in guys i’m so freaking happy _

_ oh my gdosaff;ajkldakj;sd _

 

_ Message to: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:09pm_ **

_ I’m so happy for you! I knew he was _

_ into you, you just wouldn’t believe me! _

 

_ Message from: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:12pm_ **

_ I’m so nervoussssse what if i screw  _

_ seomthing up?? _

 

_ Calling Yamagücci.... _

 

_ Call answered. _

 

Yamaguchi’s face flickered onto the screen. He was grimacing and blushing, but nevertheless there was a little smile teasing at the corner of his lips.

“I can see it on your face. You’re  _ soo _ in _ loove,”  _ Kei teased. 

Yamaguchi’s blush darkened, and he turned his eyes away from the camera.

 

Kei hated to see his friend like this. Yamaguchi was always down on himself about every small thing that happened, and it worried Kei a little bit. He had a feeling Yamaguchi’s crush was going to be good for him from all the stories he had heard, but there was that chance that something really would go wrong on the date. And if it did, Kei just knew that Yamaguchi would be devastated, and possibly shy away from all dating in the future. That was not something he wanted him to go through. 

Kei took in a deep breath, running what he wanted to say over in his head. “Look. About what you said. I get it, okay? I’ve been there. I understand how nervous you’re feeling right now. But remember. If being yourself or ‘messing something up’,” he quoted with his fingers, “isn’t okay with this Hinata, then maybe he isn’t good enough for you.” 

Yamaguchi nodded, his camera freezing for a second while he spun in his chair. “I know. And I know Hinata would never make me feel bad. I just can’t help but be nervous! Thanks for worrying though, Tsukki.”

His worries were eased at Yamaguchi’s calm words. Instead, he took notice of another thing that had never really noticed before. Two people were calling him ‘Tsukki’, now. He didn’t quite understand the appeal of that nickname, but given that those two people were the most important people in Kei’s life, he wouldn’t complain anymore.

Yamaguchi’s eyes narrowed playfully, and Kei gulped, not even knowing what Yamaguchi was going to say but scared nevertheless. “You’ve got something to tell me, it seems? You understand how nervous I am feeling? Huuuh?” Yamaguchi snickered, leaning in closer to his camera, so his freckles became clearer on the screen.

Kei coughed, his heartbeat flaring at the thought of having to tell his friend about Kuroo. “I like it better when I’m preaching at you.”

Yamaguchi giggled, leaning back in his chair. “Come on! How are you? I’m always talking about myself and you’re never talking about you, so spill!”

“...It’s really nothing. I promise.” He was glaring at his keyboard, willing his voice not to waver.

Yamaguchi was silent for a moment, watching him. He slowly put a chip in his mouth and crunched it. If Kei wasn’t so focused on the conversation, he may have laughed at the combination of Yamaguchi’s intense gaze and the slow eating of the chip.

“You would tell me if something big happened, though. Right?” Yamaguchi was still munching on his chip, chewing while watching Kei calculatingly. His voice almost sounded hesitant, though, and Kei immediately felt guilty. Why was he even keeping it a secret?

“Yes.”  _ I’m lying to you. _

Yamaguchi’s face brightened at Kei’s word, the smile from earlier coming right back. “You’re right! I should trust you more, Tsukki!” 

_ No you shouldn’t.  _ **“** And here I thought we were friends!”

Yamaguchi laughed at that, and then something passed over his gaze, eyes focused on something far away, and then they were twinkling with joy. “Oh my god, Tsukki... Hinata’s face when he asked me out was soo adorable!” he gushed, “You wouldn’t believe how red he was! I didn’t know it was physically possible! His face was more red than his hair! Ugh he’s so cute, Tsukki. Maybe he’ll let me send you a picture of him... It might be kinda awkward to ask though. UGH. I am going to die! I want to go out with him right now! Too bad he lives so far away. We live nearly on opposite sides of the city, and it really makes hanging out with him difficult. That’s okay, though! If this first date goes well, we’ll make it work!”

Kei cracked a smile at Yamaguchi’s excited rambling. He really did deserve this. Yamaguchi was one of the most interesting and worthwhile people he had ever met. No matter how tentative their friendship was at the beginning, he was proud now to call Yamaguchi his best friend.

“Oh my god, sorry, Tsukki! I am totally just not letting you talk now, aren’t I?” Yamaguchi smiled sheepishly, covering his mouth.

“It’s alright. I like to hear you talk when you’re this excited,” Kei assured him, covering his smile with a palm.

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes. “Ugh. You’re so embarrassing, Tsukki.”

Kei rolled his eyes right back. “I’m proud of you! My shy, unloved child is finally finding his special someone,” he drawled condescendingly. 

“You’re embarrassing me, Tsukki! Oh my god what am I going to  _ do _ with you?!” Yamaguchi shrieked, and that was another thing Kei liked about him. He never took Kei’s jabs to heart. Despite his horrible anxiety, he always seemed to be able to read the difference between Kei being mean and Kei trying to be funny.

Kei winced. “Headphones, Yamaguchi.”

“You deserved that one,” Yamaguchi muttered.

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll save the teasing for when we’re face to face so that you can’t use deadly noise levels to win arguments.” Yamaguchi huffed, but Kei could see the amused glint in his eye. 

Suddenly a door behind Yamaguchi opened, and his eyes became comically large before the screen went black.

 

_ Call ended. _

 

_ Message from: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:53pm_ **

_ Sorry my dad walked in without knocking. _

_ I would have gotten in huge trouble if  _

_ he had seen you. _

 

_ Message to: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:53pm_ **

_ No worries. I need to do hw anyway. _

_ Talk to you later. _

 

_ Message from: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:56pm_ **

_ Goodnight! _

 

_ Message to: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 7:59pm_ **

_ And good luck with your date. _

 

_ Message from: Yamagücci  _ **_time: 8:19pm_ **

_ Thanks! (>///<) _

* * *

 

 

Kei swore, cursing the butterflies in his stomach as he scanned the small crowd in the park for his boyfriend. He found Kuroo standing by a billboard, squinting and reading some small poster tacked up to it. He approached silently from behind, and when Kuroo hummed thoughtfully to himself, he claimed his chance, reaching out his hands and tazing him violently.

Kuroo yelped out with a choked laugh, spinning around forming a fighting stance before Kei even had the chance to process it. 

Kuroo’s eyes widened when he saw it was Kei and he relaxed before laughing, hard. “Oh my god, I thought I was about to be the protagonist of an action movie! Jeez, you scared me, Tsukki!” 

Kei just smirked. “Scare easily, do you?”

Kuroo wrapped an arm around his shoulder, starting their walking in the direction of the museum on the south side of the park. “You’re such a cutie.”

“Shut the actual fuck up. I’ll ditch you here,” Kei grumbled, knowing there was no real bite to his words. Even if it was embarrassing, to his horror he was beginning to realize he liked being complimented by Kuroo like that. 

Kuroo pulled away from him, his smile never wavering. “Now that wouldn’t be much fun, would it?” 

Kuroo knew that Kei was pretty uncomfortable with PDA, and to his relief he respected that. Although he sometimes kept casual touches lingering a little longer than normal, Kuroo recognized that Kei didn’t want people to read too much into their relationship, and he followed Kei’s rules, no questions asked. It was one of the many things about Kuroo that made Kei feel  _ so  _ lucky, and sometimes a little inadequate. 

Soon, they entered the museum, which was surprisingly busy, bustling with people from all walks of life. Although mostly comprised of families with young children, there were also some elderly couples meandering about and even the occasional college student. 

Kuroo bumped their shoulders together as they approached the big museum map in the middle of the hall. “I still can’t believe this is your thing. I mean, yeah, you wear glasses, and you like history class... but wow.”

Kei just pushed up his glasses and sniffed haughtily, a little embarrassed. 

Kuroo laughed. “Don’t worry, babe, it’s cute.”

Kei felt his face slowly fill with heat at the nickname, and that just made Kuroo laugh more. He wouldn’t bother to protest, at this point. He was doomed to be red for this entire date, and he had accepted it. He kinda liked the nickname, anyway.

Instead of responding, he scanned the list of activities and rooms the museum had open today, and felt himself internally glow.

There was a whole room devoted to dinosaurs, and two whole exhibits devoted to evolution. 

Kuroo tapped his shoulder and pointed to a billboard above their heads. “Tsukki, look. They have some documentary going on about dinosaurs every twenty minutes. We should go watch it!” 

Kei nodded immediately. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

He grabbed Kuroo’s wrist and started dragging him in the direction of the arrow on the billboard, walking quickly. At second thought, he dropped Kuroo’s wrist, cursing himself at his own carelessness. He saw Kuroo gazing at him fondly from the corner of his eye, but he ignored that, huffing a small breath in faux annoyance, even while he began to power walk when he caught sight of the sign for the movie down the hallway.

* * *

 

 

They ended up having to wait 15 minutes for the next screening, but when they finally were let in, Kei reasoned that it was all worth it. They chose seats in the middle of the room that had the best view of the screen since there were only a few other people in the room, and they put their 3D glasses on as the previews began to play. This was such a good day, it only roused minimal grumbling from Kei at having to wear two layers of glasses. 

Halfway through the previews, Kuroo’s hand crept on top of Kei’s, the skin sending a jolt through them both. They avoided eye contact even as their hands tightened around each other. The movie started in the next few minutes, and Kei was all too happy to see his second love (after cleanliness) be represented in a factual way. The deep voiced narrator described the outline of dinosaurs’ existence, and how alligators and crocodiles were some of the few species left that resemble dinosaurs. 

It was about five minutes into the movie when Kei stiffened up and slowly turned toward Kuroo, shock and betrayal in his eyes. Kuroo raises an eyebrow questioningly, concern in his eyes. Kei just shook his head quickly, shutting down Kuroo’s worry. 

Instead, he leaned in closer to begin whisper-yelling in Kuroo’s ear. “The narrator just insinuated that all the dinosaurs died at the same time from the same cause. That is so untrue it’s outrageous, and I can’t believe a  _ museum  _ of all places would be misrepresenting history. Especially  _ dinosaurs.” _

Somebody in the back of the theater shushed him, but Kei just shook his head and glared absently behind him before turning back around. 

Kuroo stared at Kei for a moment. “You sure know a lot about dinosaurs, don’t you? Do you want to be a dinosaur scientist when you grow up?” he whispered.

Kei rolled his eyes in exasperation and leaned in closer. “It’s called a  _ paleontologist. _ ”

Kuroo grinned, and suddenly his hand was on Kei’s shoulder, and then they were being pushed closer together, and their faces were inches away, looking into each other’s eyes. It was the first time Kei was really seeing his eyes. From far away, the iris was so small that his eyes looked black, but close up he saw that there was a small ring of rich, chocolate brown around his pupil. It was so warm. Just like Kuroo. 

And then that split second where Kei really saw Kuroo’s eyes for the first time ended, and Kuroo closed the remaining distance between them, his eyes drifting shut gently. His eyes stayed wide open for a moment, before he closed them and leaned in to Kuroo’s lips. They were surprisingly soft. And warm, again.

At that moment, the lingering sounds of that deep narrator voice and dinosaur screeches faded from his ears and the only sound that remained was his heart thumping in his ears. He brought his hands up to rest behind Kuroo’s neck, his fingers combing through the fluff there, and when Kuroo began to move his lips, he followed. He had no idea what he was doing. He wondered if Kuroo noticed. Then he wondered if Kuroo knew what  _ he  _ was doing. 

He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind as Kuroo let his hand fall from his shoulder to his waist. It was oddly intimate, and Kei moved to push their bodies closer, but a hard piece of plastic stood in his way.

He pulled away, and looked down to see what was between them. It was the armrest. Kuroo was panting lightly next to him, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

Realization dawned on him, and his stomach dropped to his feet.

“Oh my god. What are we doing?” He was hysterical, his voice hoarse. He needed to run, get away, leave all the people who were probably staring at them in disgust and clear his head. Yet, he was frozen to his seat.

Kuroo seemed to realize something was wrong, and he pulled his hands from Kei’s waist, his gaze searching. “Is something wrong, Kei?”

Kei didn’t respond. His mind was racing and his heart was going to beat out of his chest, his chest heaving with every breath. 

Kuroo stared for a moment more before he was grabbing Kei’s wrist, pulling them down the dark aisle of the movie room, and into a nearby bathroom. 

He was vaguely aware of a few guys staring at them from their places at the urinal, but Kuroo turned away from them and pushed him into a toilet stall, locking the door behind them.

Kei stumbled for a moment before plopping down onto the toilet. Only later would he look back on this and be glad that the seat was already down. 

Kuroo was leaning over him, rubbing his back soothingly, and staring at him with wide, alarmed eyes. “Kei. Answer me. Are you alright?”

He just buried his face in his hands, willing his tears to stay down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out like that.” Even as he spoke, his voice was shaking and his fingers trembling. He needed to swallow but there was a lump in his throat that was swelling.

“Don’t apologize! Did I do something wrong? What happened?” Kei could hear the panic in Kuroo’s voice and wanted to scream at himself.

Kei forced himself to look up at Kuroo. What he saw pained him. Kuroo was pale, his mouth twisted into a frown and he looked upset. “It’s not like that. I told you. I just kinda... forgot where we-” To his embarrassment, he hiccupped loudly. “were.” 

Kuroo hesitated. “What was wrong with where we were?”

Kei couldn't hold eye contact any longer. “Nothing. I just suck as a boyfriend, apparently. I’m not really comfortable with all that. I don’t like... people seeing, I guess. I’m okay with the kissing though. More than okay with it.” He hiccupped again, and sniffed.

Kuroo smiled sadly at him, and ran a soft hand over Kei’s hair, and he couldn't help but lean into his hand. He knew he was being pathetic and needy. But he didn’t know what to say to let Kuroo know that this wasn’t normal for him, and that he wouldn’t always be like this. Because deep down in his mind, he knew that wasn’t true. 

He stood up, not liking the vulnerability of Kuroo towering over him like that, and Kuroo took a step back only to hit the door of the stall. They were so close that once again Kei could see Kuroo’s pretty brown eyes. He felt Kuroo’s breath hitting his cheek, hot and damp. 

Just like that time in the basement. They had been close together then, too. Jirou had pulled him up by his shoulders, and that breath had hit his neck, hot and damp and making their close proximity even more stifling. 

Kuroo reached up to touch Kei’s face, but all Kei could think was ‘ _ Jirou’ _ and  _ ‘bad’  _ and  _ ‘betrayal’ _ and he batted the hand away instinctively. 

Kuroo’s pained face was like a punch in the gut to Kei, even in his frightened state. He could feel nothing but shame. Jirou, even now, 8 years later, was casting his shadow on every aspect of Kei’s life that he wanted to cherish. At this rate, Kuroo was going to realize how hopeless he was and break up with him. And then he would be all alone again. 

He used to crave the feeling of solitude. How come now the mere thought of that word pained him so much?

“I’m sorry, Kuroo. I promise it’s not you. It’s just...  I’m sorry.” Kei’s voice was shaking, and clasped his hand with Kuroo’s for a long moment, staring into Kuroo’s eyes longingly, as if asking for Kuroo to take away those memories. Kuroo just looked back, confused and upset, and when Kei pushed away and left the stall, he made no effort to stop him.

* * *

 

 

_ “What are we doing?” I whispered to him, a bit excited.  _

_ He raised an index finger to his lips with a mischievous glint in his eye. “You’re not allowed to tell anyone, okay? This is going to be a secret between just the two of us.” _

_ I nodded, my heart pounding in anticipation. Whatever game he wanted to play, nobody else would see. The tacky green material covering the couch flapped over the wide space underneath like a little blind, and it gave an exciting mysterious mood. Like we were undercover. And my brother would die to know what we were doing later and I would tease him with it but I wouldn’t tell. My brother would get mad but for once I would have the upperhand, so I wouldn’t give up the secret. _

_ The teen’s hand skimmed over my waist and to the buckle of my pants, pinching at it. “Ugh.” He muttered as he struggled. “Hey, can you unbutton your pants for me?” I could hear a hint of impatience in his voice, so I rushed to comply.  _

_ A little uncertainty nagged at my gut. But only for a moment. What could possibly be wrong with this? Mommy never told me this was bad, so I shrugged away the feeling. I unbuttoned the jean shorts and he quickly pushed them down, then reached a hand into my underwear.  _

_ “What are you doing?” I asked, my voice high. _

_ He ignored my question, groping at my privates. “Does this feel good?” He grunted. _

_ I thought for a moment. I had done this to myself before in private, but I had never thought of anyone else doing it for me. “Yeah, I guess it does.” I mused. And it did, a little bit, but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that something here was weird.  _

_ He continued to knead into me, to the point where it didn’t feel good anymore. He was squeezing too hard and it was a bother. Boredom was already beginning to set in, although I didn’t know how long he had been at this.  _

_ “Hey, let’s go to a different room.” He suggested. I didn’t want to. I knew that much. I just wanted to rejoin my brother and his friends playing that game that I loved, and I didn’t know how much longer I could take this.  _

* * *

 

 

Kuroo sat in the bathroom stall, staring at the floor. His hands were gripping his crazy hair. He had watched as Tsukki fled from him, pale faced and frightened. Guilt was coursing through his veins like poison, slowing him down and making every thought slide slowly through his brain, taunting him. 

_ ‘You forced yourself on him.’ ‘You are insensitive.’ ‘He doesn’t deserve an idiot like you.’ _

He shook his head, forcing a shaky grin onto his face. Negative thinking wasn’t going to fix this situation. He needed to ask Tsukki what he did wrong after he calmed down, and then he would figure out how to not let it happen again. They could get through this together. 

He picked up his phone to call Tsukki, but then decided against it. He would give Tsukki a little time, first. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you did let me know why :)  
> I got my dino facts from the Smithsonian website  
> http://paleobiology.si.edu/dinosaurs/info/main/index.html
> 
> Sorry for that ending on Valentines day :(
> 
>  
> 
> I was just employed somewhere, and they required us to take an online educational course on child sexual abuse, and it was so eye opening for me to see all the facts layed out there. Also, I realized that a lot of the side effects that were listed on there are things that ring true for me, and it was a little shocking to see that so many aspects of my personality may stem from what happened. Since Tsukki is in some ways a textbook example of how assaulted children act, I may delve into that a little bit with Tsukki, further in. It was eye-opening, it was disturbing, and in some ways it was very reassuring to see that I'm not alone in being emotional and irritable and untrusting, towards my dad especially. Like.. that's a normal thing. Anyway, just wanted to put that out there, if any of you have been through similar things and want to share their take on this, feel free in the comments.


	8. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This, Kei could handle. He knew that much without a doubt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for major sap.

Kei could feel his stomach twisting. He hadn’t spoken with Kuroo face-to-face since the incident in the bathroom at the museum, and although they had facetimed and made up, he couldn't help but fear that things would be tense between them now, regardless. Despite the fact that it was a Monday, he was wide awake and brimming with nerves. Even so, he took a final deep breath and pushed the front door open to step into the nippy air.

The leaves were starting to fall from the trees in orange and red and gold showers, he noted. It was beautiful, he could admit, but he knew that once the leaves were gone he would be feeling nothing for the entirety of the winter until flowers started to bloom and the scent of life filled the air. That numbness that came with every winter had started three years ago, and every winter it got progressively worse. It made him stop studying, sleep during class, and not eat on the weekends. He dreaded it. He snapped himself out of his thoughts and closed the door behind himself before turning to start his trek to school.

He saw Kuroo approaching from down the road, and forced himself to wave. Kuroo returned the wave with a warm grin and he patted Kei on the back as he approached. 

“How are you? I haven’t seen you in a whole day!” Kuroo teased lightly. 

Kei couldn't help a small smile from tipping his lips up as he responded, “It’s been so hard without you.”

They could do this after all. Kuroo wasn’t acting like anything was different, and he didn’t have to try and pretend to act casually. It was natural between them. They could brush off their tense texts from last night and just _ be themselves  _ when they were together. Regardless of the circumstances. 

“So. You think we’re going to have a pop quiz today in History?” Kuroo asked, picking at a loose thread on his shirt. 

Kei sent him an incredulous look. “He assigned a ton of reading over the weekend and there was no quiz on Friday. What do you think?”

Kuroo laughed and held his hands up. “You’re right, but a boy can always hope.”

“You can be my partner if we have a group quiz,” Kei mumbled, cheeks heating up.

Kuroo stared at him for a moment with wide eyes before pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re the best boyfriend ever.” His grasp tightened slightly before he pulled away. “I’m pretty sure the class is actually holding an auction-y thing over who will get you as a partner for the next group quiz. The class group chat is going wild right now.”

“How much money has it gotten up to?” Kei asked with a spark of interest. He had no need and no interest to be part of a group chat that was constantly blowing up his phone with stupid questions, but he understood why it was there and he could appreciate some of the test information that Kuroo told him that came from the group chat.

Kuroo pulled out his phone and typed in his password (that Kei silently memorized) and tapped a few more times before putting his phone away. He was silent.

“Well?” Kei prompted.

Kuroo mumbled something under his breath.

“Huh?” Kei leaned in closer, giving him an annoyed look.

“Four thousand five hundred yen.” Kuroo snapped, staring at his feet.

Kei smirked and leaned in to Kuroo’s ear. “Don’t worry, Tetsurou, I’d pick you over money any day.”

Kuroo turned bright red and just stared at him, unmoving. He faintly realized they had stopped walking. “You are going to give me a heart attack, Tsukki.”

Kei could tell Kuroo was pleased, so he just smirked to himself and pushed Kuroo to start moving again. 

Kei felt his phone vibrate and he pulled it out to see a short greeting from Yamaguchi. He put it away with a fond smile. Yamaguchi was the only person alive who would take the time to send him a good morning message every morning. 

“Who is that?” Kuroo asked after a few more moments of silence.

Kei looked up. Kuroo didn’t seem to look accusing or anything, just genuinely curious. He supposed, after a long moment of internal debate, that telling him wouldn’t hurt anything.

“He’s an online friend. We met over the summer.”

Kuroo made a thoughtful noise. “I didn’t know you  _ had  _ any friends.” Kei scowled and he quickly added, “No offense.”

“None taken,” he responded, letting the face drop. “It’s kinda weird, really. We’ve never even met in real life, technically, but we’re pretty close.”

Kuroo eyed him. “You’re sure he’s... real... right? You always hear those stories, and-”

“He’s real,” Kei assured him. “We Skype pretty regularly. I know what school he goes to. He’s legit.”

“Okay, if you say so,” Kuroo nodded, his smile renewed, “Just, don’t go cheating on me with him, alright?”

Kei gave Kuroo one last glare and walked to the school doors, leaving Kuroo in the dust.

 

* * *

 

“C’mon, we’re not gonna get caught!” Kuroo whined, pulling him closer to the door by his wrist.

Kei scowled. “Even if we  _ don’t _ get caught, there’s a reason there’s a rule in place against going on the roof.”

Kuroo pouted his lips. “Pretty please? It’ll be so romantic. And they always do it in manga and nothing bad happens in those!” 

“You know what else happens in manga with no consequences? Murder. Your point is null.”

“I’ll let you have my strawberries!”

_ Going straight for the weak spots.  _ Kei’s eyes narrowed at him. “Fine. Just this once.”

Kuroo cheered, and they quickly climbed up the ladder to the school roof, both reluctant to get caught. 

Kuroo pulled a blanket out of his backpack and spread it out over the concrete in a sunny patch, and then placed his huge bento on top and sat down. He patted a spot next to him, and Kei sighed as he sat down and spread out his food before him. 

“Thanks, Tsukki. I’ve always wanted to do this.” 

Kei reached out and grabbed Kuroo’s hand. One nice thing about being on the roof was that they were completely alone. Completely.

With his free hand, he picked up his chopsticks and began to pick at his rice. Kuroo began to scrutinize the  _ feast _ his mother had packed for him and Kei resisted the urge to express his disgust. For a lack of nicer phrasing, Kuroo’s mother spoiled him rotten when it came to food. He was all for her love of cooking, but he was concerned that once Kuroo got to college he wouldn’t be able to function on  _ normal _ amounts of food. 

“Do you want some?” Kuroo asked when he noticed Kei’s glaring.

He snorted. “No, it’s alright. I’m already getting your strawberries, anyway.”

“Damnit, I thought you would forget I promised you those,” Kuroo grumbled. 

“Never,” Kei replied seriously.

Kuroo place a finger under Kei’s chin and pushed up until their noses were touching. Kei allowed himself to smile before Kuroo closed the remaining distances and their lips touched, gently. As soon as they made contact, that fear swooped in and Kei pulled Kuroo aways, fingers digging into shoulders. 

“What’s wrong?” Kuroo asked, pinching his lips together in frustration and worry.

Kei slowly took in a deep breath before loosening his grip on Kuroo. “Nothing. I’m sorry. It’s stupid.”

Kuroo shook his head. “No, seriously, Tsukki! I don’t want this to keep happening! If I’m doing something, please tell me. I don’t want to scare you!”

Kei shifted back a little bit, picking at the blanket beneath them as he gathered up his words. “It really... isn’t you. I promise. I just. This is obviously my first relationship, and it may be stupid, but I’m so,  _ so  _  scared. I’m so scared that this isn’t going to last, or that I’ll screw something up. And I’m scared of other people finding out. My family is pretty good, but if they found that I was gay, I’m afraid they would treat me differently. And I mean, Japan isn’t the most accepting place in the world for us, anyway. If any teachers found us out here like this, we would be suspended!” 

Kuroo was silent, staring at Kei’s face for what felt like minutes, while Kei’s heart stayed steady in it’s fast beating. 

Kuroo reached for Kei’s fingers again and he noted that they were cold, like his. “You’re not alone in that, you know. I’m just as scared as you! My mother watches BL dramas all the time that basically fetishize gay romance, and then my dad makes fun of her about it, and... Well I could never tell him that we’re together. Or my mom. I just know she would make this huge deal out of it. She’s always talking about how she wants a ‘gay friend’.” Kuroo took a deep breath and scooted closer, closing the the distance that Kei had made between them. “There’s something about this though. If it wasn’t with you, I never would dream of risking everything for a relationship. But it  _ is  _ with you. And I don’t know... From the very beginning, it was fear that brought us together, right? I think that together, you and I... We can make it.”

Kuroo was speaking quietly but with such insistent passion, begging to be heard. And it was cheesy, Kei knew that better than anyone, but he couldn't help but feel so insanely moved by those words. It was everything that he needed to hear, everything that he had desperately wanted someone to say to him. Ever since that car ride with his mom where his once forgotten past had been laid out before him and his self esteem and happiness had vanished permanently, fear had been driving him. It was what caused the attitude that drove all of his classmates away, but that Kuroo had somehow broken through. And now, he had a place to channel that fear. He had Kuroo here, someone with the same worries and the same risks as Kei, and someone who was willing to ignore that to be with him. He knew at that moment that he would just have to face his fear, too. 

Kuroo was willing to be treated badly by his own family if it meant they could be together, and even if Kei couldn't quite understand why Kuroo would want him so badly, he knew that he could handle it. Whatever was thrown their way, it would be worth it for this, and even for him to salvage his sanity while navigating in the murky waters of life that his sexuality doused him in.

It should have been scary for him, he would realize later, that he was making such huge internal commitment so early on, but it wasn’t. All he could feel was this warm security, comforting and assuring and everything he needed at that moment.

He gripped Kuroo by the shoulders once more and pushed his lips into Kuroo’s firmly. Kuroo moved his lips and Kei smoothed his fingers down Kuroo’s hard back before bringing them up again to grip at the back of Kuroo’s neck. Kuroo tilted his head and parted his lips and Kei stiffened because  _ this is new and what am I supposed to do? _ but Kuroo just brought his hands up to gently brace under Kei’s chin, and they were so so soft and warm, and when Kuroo lips sucked against his he couldn't help but let out a little groan, barely there but enough for Kuroo to hear, a smile stiffening up his lips against Kei’s. 

He pulled back then, and he smiled. His cheeks were red and maybe his hair a little more mussed up then usual, and he just stared at Kei, and Kei stared back. 

“That was nice,” Kuroo finally said, breaking that thick, emotional silence. 

Kei coughed. “Yeah.” And then after another moment of staring. “Perhaps we should do it some more.”

That was all it took for Kuroo to pull Kei flush against him, and only then did he realize he was practically straddling Kuroo’s lap. He didn’t care enough to pull away. His lips were relaxed against Kuroo’s now, and he only made a short noise of protest when Kuroo pulled back to take off his glasses before delving back in. 

Kuroo’s lips worked against his own, and Kei lowered his hands to grip at his shoulders. Suddenly he felt hot moisture pressing at the seam of his lips and he let out a startled noise. It only took a couple licks from Kuroo before Kei gave in, face flaming, and let his mouth open slightly. 

It was weird. Kuroo’s tongue was in his mouth. His breath probably smelled like lunch, but Kuroo didn’t seem to notice or at least mind. He breathed in deeply through his nose and pushed against Kuroo harder, until Kuroo was falling back and had to drop one of his hands from Kei to catch himself before he hit his head. 

Kuroo snickered, and face flaming hot, Kei couldn't help but let out a small chuckle of his own. This, Kei could handle. He knew that much without a doubt. 

 

* * *

 

 

Kei dropped his backpack on his bed and opened his laptop on his desk as he settled into his chair. A little notification popped up in the corner of the screen as soon as he opened it.  _ “Yamagücci is online”.  _ He smiled and typed out a greeting, before unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt. 

 

_ Call from Yamagücci... _

 

_ Call answered. _

 

Yamaguchi flickered onto the screen, smiling and waving. 

“Hey, Tsukki! How was your day?” Yamaguchi was braiding his hair, but his eyes were focused on the camera.

Kei smiled despite himself. “It was really good.”

Yamaguchi gasped. “Tsukki showing emotion? What has the world come to?”

Kei rolled his eyes.

“No, seriously! What’s up?”

Kei bit back another smile. He was going to tell him. He had decided on the walk home from school that he had kept this secret long enough. The real question was how to go about explaining it. And how to explain why he hadn’t told sooner.

“Um, I’ve kinda been keeping this from you...” he looked up to see Yamaguchi stiffen slightly in his seat, “but I started dating someone.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. “For real? Since when?! What’s his name?” 

“His name is Kuroo. We’ve been dating for a few weeks. It’s all pretty new. And it started kinda shaky.”

“Everything is okay, though, right? He’s treating you right?” Yamaguchi leaned in. eyes stern.

Kei nodded, looking at the desk. “Yeah. He’s great. More than I deserve, really.”

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes, but didn’t argue with him, to Kei’s relief. “So. Tell me how you met and all that!” 

His face reddened. “Is that really necessary?”

Yamaguchi just continued looking at him, face impassive.

“ _ God,  _ okay!” He cleared his throat. “Um, I guess we first met a few weeks after I met you. It was at high school orientation. He basically made fun of me with my family. We met because of volleyball club. But he got my number and bugged me to hang out with him a bunch and we kinda clicked. And... there was some stuff that happened at school and he kinda stood up when no one else did, and I really admired him for that. And then... right after that we came out to each other, and then a few weeks later we went out for ice cream at like, midnight, and he told me that he likes me. And I did too. That was like two weeks ago. Oh, and we went on a date last weekend, although I guess technically that didn’t go so well. It was-”

“What happened?” Yamaguchi finally interrupted him, eyes once again stern.

He looked away again. “I kinda had a panic attack.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes narrowed. “What did he do?”

“Nothing! I swear he isn’t a creep! Even though he’s a little annoying, I swear he’s a really good guy,” Kei insisted, feeling a little warm at the thought that Yamaguchi was so protective of him. “We were watching a movie and he kissed me and... I don’t know. It just set me off for some reason. He stopped as soon as I wanted him to and all that. It just ended up with me locked in a bathroom stall with him, having a panic attack.”

“Are you okay?” Yamaguchi asked.

Kei nodded. “Yeah. We resolved things. It’s all okay now.”

Yamaguchi beamed. “I’m glad! I’m so happy things are working out for you! I hope I can meet him someday.”

“Me too,” Kei said wistfully. 

Yamaguchi pulled out a bag of chips suddenly, and leaned back in his chair. “So. Sorry to change the subject, but I just  _ need  _ to tell you about  _ my  _ date with Hinata!” 

Kei had nearly forgotten about that, and he leaned forward with renewed interest. 

 

* * *

 

Kei stuffed one last bell pepper slice in his mouth before Kuroo herded him towards his basement stairs. 

“No more food. You promised we would watch  _ The Notebook _ today after volleyball!”

“Yeah, yeah. Why did you have to pick such a gay movie, though?” Kei grumbled, letting himself be pushed down each step by the shoulders.

“Because we  _ are _ gay! Embrace it, Tsukki!” Kuroo chided. 

Kei shook his head. “Two months ago, I wouldn’t be caught dead watching some sappy romance movie.”

“But two months ago, you didn’t have a boyfriend,” Kuroo corrected. 

Kei settled on the plush couch with a huff. “You should at least make popcorn or something.”

Kuroo grabbed the remote and settled down next to him. “My mom is going to make some.”

“Jeez, do you ever do anything yourself?” Kei eyed him. He was such a spoiled brat.

“I have to do my own laundry sometimes!” Kuroo defended. 

Kei laughed. “We should introduce you to some starving African children. See how they react to you.”

“You’re so mean, Tsukki...” Kuroo whined. 

“And you’re so spoiled.”

Kuroo just shook his head, pouting. He hit something on the remote and the movie began to play. Kei immediately nestled further into Kuroo’s warm side. He could get used to the snuggling. Kuroo wrapped an arm tight around Kei’s shoulders and pecked his cheek. Kei felt his cheeks redden but just leaned in closer. 

“You’re such a cutie,” Kuroo murmured quietly into his ear. 

In a sudden burst of confidence, Kei turned to meet Kuroo’s gaze. “So are you,” he replied, a half smile creeping onto his lips. 

Kuroo immediately turned away in an embarrassment, and luckily for him, his mom knocked on the door, forcing them to separate while she handed off the popcorn and fruit slices, as well as the leftover bell peppers. When she left the room Kei brought the large popcorn bowl into his lap.

“And you say you’re not spoiled...” Kei muttered as he looked at all the food. 

Kuroo huffed. “I know I’m spoiled. I just don’t like my boyfriend pointing it out.”

“Must suck that you have such a confrontational boyfriend, then.”

Kuroo smiled. “Nah. You got me an A on that group quiz yesterday for sure, so I’d say you’re worth it.”

“Wow, thanks. Glad to know I could add so much meaning to your life.”

Kuroo dug into the popcorn instead of replying, although Kei could have sworn he saw him wink out of the corner of his eye. He decided for Kuroo’s safety as well as his own to ignore it.

Currently on the screen, some old man was talking to some old lady. Nice premise for a romance movie. 

Deciding to ignore the movie, he leaned in again and started peppering kisses on Kuroo’s neck. He felt Kuroo swallow against his lips and lifted his gaze to meet Kuroo’s eyes, which were watching him with something like desire. All the sudden the popcorn bowl was lifted out of his lap and Kuroo leaned over him, tilting his head to kiss him square on the mouth. He kissed back, letting Kuroo push him against the arm of the couch while he crawled over him, sucking against his lips greedily. Kei let his hands go up to that soft hair, raking them through it. It, surprisingly enough, wasn’t very knotted. 

Suddenly Kuroo was sucking his lower lip into his mouth, drawing out a moan from Kei. Kei’s glasses were being pushed against Kuroo’s forehead and digging into his nose uncomfortably, so he pushed against Kuroo and pulled them off of his face, setting them next to the food before returning to Kuroo.

Or at least trying to. Their noses bumped together almost painfully, causing Kei to swear and Kuroo to giggle. Kei grabbed Kuroo’s collar, leaving no room for chit-chat as he tilted his head and pressed their lips together again. Kuroo groaned almost inaudibly.

Every muscle in Kei’s body was melting into Kuroo’s touch, every caress of his hand and every brush of their lips. He could feel his heart pounding like a drum in his chest, and could faintly feel Kuroo’s against his. Kuroo’s breath was soft and quick, hitting his lips each time they pulled away. Kei opened his eyes to see Kuroo gazing back at him longingly, a soft smile on his lips. 

“You’re so amazing, Tsukki.” Kuroo crooned, looking lovestruck.

Kei just pulled him back in for another kiss, this one longer and more relaxed than the others. Kuroo’s tongue slipped between his lips and he gasped into his mouth, wrapping his leg tighter around Kuroo. Kuroo’s hands were sliding up and down his back gently, whispers of touches that Kei could just barely feel. 

Kuroo started kissing down his neck, then, wetter and sloppier, and Kei nearly whined, his chest rising and falling beneath Kuroo’s. Kuroo was rubbing soft circles into Kei’s lower back, Kei nearly writhing at the feeling of Kuroo’s soft mouth on his skin. When Kuroo reached his collarbone, he sucked harder and he moaned loud that time. If possible his face grew even redder. 

Kuroo looked back up at his face, his pupils dilated. In that moment, his eyes truly did look black instead of brown. 

“You’re so hot,” Kei whispered.

Kuroo was back on him again, a leg shoved in between Kei’s knees, his tongue in his mouth, and Kei moaned, damp hands tight on the back of Kuroo’s shoulders. When Kuroo leaned forward, his knee brushed Kei’s crotch and he felt such an intense rush of heat that he froze and pushed Kuroo off of him. 

Kuroo didn’t even seem to mind, he was just staring at Kei with the same levels of desire as a moment earlier.

“We’re here to watch a movie, not have sex on your couch.” Kei attempted to say this smoothly, but he ended up watching his lap as he spoke, wiping his hands down the sides of his legs. 

Kuroo’s gaze still seemed to be distant, but he opened his mouth a few times until sound came out. “You’re right. That almost went too far too fast.” 

Kei pushed himself up and shoved himself against Kuroo. “That doesn’t mean we can’t snuggle, though,” he mumbled, grabbing his glasses from the table.

Kuroo grinned. “Of course.”

After a moment of silence, Kei snuck a glance at Kuroo and hummed in appreciation. “I still think you’re hot as fuck.”

Kuroo kept his eyes on the screen, but murmured quietly to himself, “Oh Tsukki, if only you could have seen yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh thanks to @kurokn for editing! I wanted to get this chapter out as early as possible and she edited so fast for me so thanks a bunch!  
> That last section wasn't even in the outline but I wanted to practice writing kissing more, so voila. You got that. You're welcome.  
> I have a musical and a competition coming up, and rehearsal's and practices are getting more and more intense/frequent, so I may be absent for the next few weeks. I promise I haven't forgotten about this. Okay I'm gonna go watch the newest haikyuu episode now :D


	9. Apprehension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those two weeks of waiting went too fast and too slow at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! My musical is finally over with, so that means lots more time for me to write this! I also just had a inspiration burst for a Asanoya fic that may come in the future (probably won't be posted till this is done). Anyway, when I went into my folders to get started on this chapter, I found out that I had already completely written it and it just needed to be edited. What a nice surprise for myself! Please enjoy!  
> Oh and the last sectioned off part is another flashback, so if you don't want detailed child abuse, just don't read that part.

“Um, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi was nibbling on his lip as he looked ahead, stare uncertain.

“Yeah?”

“Um... My mom kinda found out about you, and she said she’ll let me go visit you over a weekend when I’m free. I was wondering if you’d... I don’t know... be up for that?”

_ What.  _

_ “ _ When did she find out? Is everything okay?” Kei asked in a rush, barely even processing Yamaguchi’s request.

Yamaguchi raised a calming hand, an amused twinkle in his eye. “Don’t worry, Tsukki. She doesn’t know how and why we met and all that. She just saw me messaging you that meme on Tumblr the other day and she asked who you were, and I kinda explained that we’re friends and all that. She’s pretty big on respecting my privacy, so she didn’t pry.”

“Well that’s a relief,” Kei muttered, mostly to himself. 

Yamaguchi laughed. “Yeah. So.” His voice grew quiet again. “Would you be cool with me coming up some weekend so we can meet for real?”

Kei felt his heart speed up at the thought. In some ways, despite the fact that they talked every day and Yamaguchi truly was the one person that he would trust with anything, he didn’t feel real. He felt more like an idea than a person. Seeing him in real life would just solidify the bond that they had. Even though it was scary to think about, the excitement the idea gave him overpowered the anxiety by a long run. 

“Yeah... I’d have to ask my parents and all that, but I would love to meet you in person.”

“Okay. The only rule my mom gave was that I have to bring someone with me, in case you’re an old man who stalks gay teenagers for a living or something. So I’m gonna bring Hinata with me, if all goes as planned.”

Kei nodded approvingly. “That’s smart. I’ll bring my boyfriend too, then, I guess. Better safe than sorry.”

Yamaguchi made a noise of agreement, before a bright grin spread over his face. “I’m so excited, we’re finally going to see each other!” 

“What weekend are you planning? Some of mine are busy with volleyball matches.”

Yamaguchi clicked his tongue. “I’d have to check. I’m pretty sure the next few weeks for me are free though.”

Kei felt his stomach tighten with nerves, but he brushed them away with a push of his glasses up his nose. “I have a volleyball match in three weeks, but the next two are free.”

“What do you say about two weeks from now, then?” Yamaguchi asked.

“I’ll have to check with my parents, but that is fine with me.”

“Great!” Yamaguchi clapped his hands together. “Let me know!”

“Kay.”

Kei ended the call, leaning back against his chair and breathing in deep.  _ It’s just Yamaguchi. There’s no reason for me to be nervous. _

When the nerves still refused to fade, he closed his laptop and relocated to his bed, pushing his face into the pillow and digging his phone out of his pocket. 

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:12pm_ **

_ Hey. _

 

He turned off his screen, but it immediately lit up again with a response.

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:12pm_ **

_ Whats up qt? ;) _

 

Kei scowled at the heat on his cheeks.

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:12pm_ **

_ Nevermind. _

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:13pm_ **

_ O no! :0 I promise Ill stop being embrssing! _

_ Whats on ur mind? _

 

Kei shook his head disbelievingly, and steeled himself before typing.

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:15pm_ **

_ I was talking to my online friend I told you  _

_ about before, and we’re going to meet in  _

_ person in a couple weeks.  _

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:16pm_ **

_ For real? Thats so exciting! _

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:16pm_ **

_ I guess so. _

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou:  _ **_time 11:17pm_ **

_ R u nervous? _

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou _ **_time: 11:17pm_ **

_ Yeah. _

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:17pm_ **

_ I can come with u if u want! _

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:18pm_ **

_ I was actually gonna ask you if you could. _

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:18pm_ **

_ Well of course I will come. It’s probably safer _

_ that way anyway. He could be an old man, _

_ after all. _

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:19pm_ **

_ Yeah. _

 

_ Message from: Kuroo Tetsurou  _ **_time: 11:21pm_ **

_ Don’t be nervous!!!! (￣▽￣)ノ wat _

_ could possibly go wrong? _

 

_ Message to: Kuroo Tetsurou _ **_time: 11:22pm_ **

_ So much. _

 

Despite the bubbling and churning nervousness in his gut, he fell asleep before he received Kuroo’s next message.

 

* * *

 

Those two weeks of waiting went too fast and too slow at the same time. 

He somehow wanted something to properly prepare himself for this, but he knew two weeks wasn’t enough time to change his entire personality. He knew it was a big moment for him and Yamaguchi, and he didn’t want to ruin it with his emotionally constipated self. But he also knew that Yamaguchi knew him for him, and if he was worth it he would accept him that way. If Yamaguchi didn’t like him, then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. And Kuroo reminded him of this repeatedly, and Kei  _ knew _ it, but it was one thing to know it and another thing to convince his subconscious of it. So everything felt like it was moving too fast.

At the same time, he was looking forward to it. He wanted Yamaguchi to hurry up and get there. They had already started planning everything that they wanted to do over message, and picked locations that Yamaguchi wanted to see. Also, he figured that once Yamaguchi got here, his calming presence would take over and all that stress that was building up in him would be swept away immediately. He was just waiting for that moment to arrive. 

So he was stuck between pushing and pulling, emotionally confused, and surely more snappish in volleyball practices, if the way the team had been acting toward him lately was any indication. 

Kuroo seemed more tuned into him lately as well. Whenever a new bout of anxiety swept through him, Kuroo seemed to have some special senses that tuned him into it. If they weren’t in class he would be there, talking about nothing, asking Kei about his day, distracting Kei from it. It was life-saving. Even when they were in class, if they were close together and Kuroo saw Kei tense up, he would brush their ankles together or pass him a sappy note. Kei couldn't help but feel that Kuroo was too good to be true. 

That had been his past two weeks in a nutshell. 

Now, here he was, laying in Kuroo’s bed on Friday night, waiting for Kuroo to get out of the shower as he absentmindedly scrolled down his dash. 

He burrowed his nose into Kuroo’s pillow, breathing in that rich cinnamon and musk scent that he had come to associate with warmth and butterflies and Kuroo.

When he had first walked into Kuroo’s room earlier that day, he had been taken aback by how neat it was, and he made sure to tease Kuroo with his mother about how it was the opposite of his personality in that way. The walls were painted a deep grey that made the room feel more closed in but at the same time more cozy, and the floor was covered in plush white carpet. There was sleek white furniture lining two of the walls, a half full clothing hamper in the corner, and a fresh basket of laundry at the foot of his bed. There was not an article of clothing on the floor, and even the higher up surfaces seemed freshly dusted. 

The door squeaked open, and Kei looked up to see Kuroo wearing only some sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair wet and skin soft looking. “Hey, babe. I have some clothes if you wanna change into them for the night. Oh, and do you prefer the bed or the futon? I’ll take either.”

Kei ignored him, instead gesturing for him to come closer, which his boyfriend obeyed, albeit hesitantly. He placed his hands on the back of his neck (which was warm from the shower) and pulled him into a firm kiss. 

“Your hair is ridiculous,” he muttered when they pulled away for air. 

Kuroo pouted, smoothing it down self consciously. “It looks good when it’s soaking wet, but as soon as it dries it puffs up again.”

Kei watched as Kuroo attempted to smooth it down again, a hint of color on his cheeks.

“I like it like that. It’s so... you.”

Kuroo laughed. “Thanks, I think?”

“Yes.”

Kuroo settled down next to him on the bed, rubbing his wet hair against Kei’s, earning him several elbows to the gut before they stilled. 

“I got Netflix. Wanna start a show together?” Kuroo offered.

Kei nodded distractedly as he felt Kuroo’s arm tighten over his shoulders.

Kuroo propped his laptop up onto his pillows and they scooted closer until Kuroo was practically laying on his back. 

“You should get a bigger bed,” Kei said quietly.

“Let me go downstairs right now and tell my mom that my boyfriend wants her to buy me a bigger bed so that we can snuggle more effectively.”

Kei nodded at him, and after a moment passed he looked back at him expectantly when he didn’t move. 

Kuroo burst out laughing. “You’re ridiculous! Let’s just watch a show already, okay? Let’s see...” He started scrolling through the show list. “Have you heard of  _ Orange is the New Black _ ?”

“Yes and it’s about lesbians in prison.” Kei deadpanned.

“Don’t discriminate, Tsukki! What’s wrong with lesbians?” Kuroo protested. He hummed thoughtfully after a moment. “They should make a gay version, though.”

“Nothing’s wrong with them, but why would two gay guys watch a show about lesbians? Why would lesbians watch a show about gay guys? I’m not being sexist or anything, it’s just not my area of interest!”

Kuroo smirked. “Well, I’m bi. So it _ is my _ area of interest. And anyway, I’ve heard that lesbians like to watch gay porn because it’s ‘cute’ or something!”

Kei raised an eyebrow at him. “Where the hell did you hear that?”

“I watch this really cute lesbian couple on Youtube. They said so.”

“So that’s what you do with your life when you aren’t bugging me about memes and volleyball.”

Kuroo puffed up proudly. “Yep!”

Kei shook his head as a smile forced its way onto his face. “Whatever, we can watch lesbians do prisony vagina stuff then.”

Kuroo smugly clicked on the show and the theme song started playing.

“Get off of me though,” Kei grumbled. He shoved at Kuroo’s arm and flipped them over so all of his weight was pushing onto Kuroo’s stomach.

He just sat there for a minute, watching as Kuroo’s face slowly turned red from lack of air as he struggled beneath him, laughing. When he finally let up the pressure off, Kuroo surged up and tackled Kei to the bed beneath him, peppering kisses onto every surface he could find.

“You’re so sadistic, Tsukki!” he giggled against his skin.

Kei let out a chuckle of his own as he let himself melt into Kuroo’s touch. He wasn’t even reciprocating, just letting Kuroo suck the stress out of him with his lips, leaning over him with this fervor Kei hadn’t seen in him outside of volleyball practice.

He grabbed Kuroo’s hair and pulled him into a deep kiss, which Kuroo quickly escalated, making butterflies erupt in Kei’s stomach for a completely different reason. 

Kei brushed his fingers up his boyfriend’s chest, groaning at the feeling of the muscles tensing as his fingers touched them. He dragged his fingers up to his shoulders where he dug them into the muscle, making Kuroo groan into his mouth.

All of a sudden Kuroo’s hand was on his butt, and Kei could feel all the blood rushing face in a split second. He moaned, tugging his fingers through Kuroo’s damp hair again, wrapping his legs around Kuroo’s hips in the desperate desire to be  _ closer.  _

He pushed them over again so he was straddling Kuroo, panting while looking down at his heavy lidded dark eyes that looked him up and down with lust. With a jolt he realized that Kuroo was hard, and he was, too. 

He was about to lean down to kiss Kuroo again when he felt a hesitant touch against his groin, and he smacked the offending hand away, his eyes growing cold even as he heard Kuroo gasp in surprise. 

“Don’t touch me,” he whispered harshly as he slowly scooted back on the bed.

_ Kuroo wanted  _ that  _ from him. Just like Jirou. Was that really all that people saw in him? Was that the reason Kuroo started all this in the first place? _

He snapped himself out of this mindset almost instantly, and felt the urge to smack himself in the face.  _ No.  _ They were boyfriends. It was normal for him to see him that way. Jirou was not normal.  _ Kuroo was.  _

A new sense of guilt flooded him. Would Kuroo even want him if he knew about Jirou? After all, he was tainted. He wasn’t even a complete virgin at the age of 16. Was that considered slutty, or whatever the male counterpart of that was? 

“Tsukki?” Kuroo asked, still breathing heavy, but propping himself up with the back of his elbows. “What’s wrong?”

Kei whipped his head from side to side twice before his gaze settled on his hands.

“Sorry,” he said hoarsely. “I didn’t mean to freak out again. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Kuroo said, lines creasing between his eyebrows. “You don’t have to apologize. But, why don’t you want to go further? It seems like every time we take a new step you back off again. Why does this scare you so much? Is it something I’m doing?”

Kei shook his head, his eyes stinging. He couldn't tell Kuroo. Not  _ now.  _ Not after they had all of this. He couldn't risk giving Kuroo yet another reason to dislike him. He was nothing without his ‘cute’ inexperience, but even that was a facade. 

“Please, tell me! I don’t want to hurt you if something is wrong!” Kuroo pleaded.

“Trust me. You don’t want to know.” Kei told him, pulling his knees up against his chest and leaning against the back of the bed. 

Kuroo’s eyes were getting shiny, a frown pulling at the edges of his mouth. “What do you mean? Of course I want to know!”

Kei just stared at his knees, shaking his head. “No. You don’t. You wouldn’t look at me the same.”

“Nothing could make me think bad of you, Tsukki!” Kuroo leaned forward, tears swimming in his eyes. 

Kei leaned forward, carding his fingers through Kuroo’s hair again soothingly. “I’m sorry, Kuroo. I can’t tell you. I’m not ready.”

Kuroo sniffed, but nodded his head. “I wish you would trust me more. I understand that you can’t help that, though. I get how you feel, so don’t feel bad about saying no. Just,” He pulled away. “give me a few minutes.” He headed toward the bathroom, wiping a wrist at his runny nose.

Kei just scooted up in the bed, pulling the covers over himself. His eyes focused on the laptop, which was still playing the lesbian prison romance. Currently a guy was proposing happily to a blonde girl, and they were both laughing happily, holding each other in their arms. Oh, how that differed from the scene playing out in the present.

All he could think as he listened to the sink splashing in the bathroom was  _ why am I so messed up and why can’t I feel anything, even after I hurt you? _

* * *

 

I groaned, but I was too shy to tell him I wanted to stop. “How much longer?”

“Just a little bit, I promise.” He assured me.

I pulled up my shorts and we both rolled out from under the couch. Jirou’s expression was soft but there was something deeper and darker clouding his eyes. My brother raised an eyebrow at him but was too distracted with the game and his other friends to bother asking what we were doing, so we left to the empty room undisturbed. 

We sat down next to each other and he continued what he was doing before. I wanted to complain, but I kept silent. It may have gone on for minutes or maybe hours, all I knew was that time ticked by too slow and when he finally relented I was eager to return to playing the Gamecube. 

I pranced back in the room and he followed me in slowly, wringing his shirt with damp hands. 

“What were you guys doing?” My brother asked, staring at the screen.

Jirou gave me that look again, the one that made his eyes glimmer with mischief and I mimicked sealing my lips and throwing the key away. “It’s a secret.” He spoke in a teasing voice.

Akiteru only sighed, shaking his head in amusement or maybe annoyance and continuing to tap at the buttons.

“My mom’s gonna pick me up soon, we should probably wait upstairs.” Jirou suggested.

My brother nodded, and the group of teenagers scrambled up the stairs as I followed close behind. As I mulled over what just happened, that uncertainty from earlier came back.  _ If it was okay, why did he want to keep it a secret?  _

I shook the thought away. There was no reason for him to do something bad to me, after all. He was my friend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we have it. Some positive and negative developments. Their relationship keeps going in cycles. They better get their shit together soon (I'm starting to get annoyed, too). Thanks for reading, please let me know what you thought! (The more you guys comment, the faster I update. Their is a direct correlation between comment rates and motivation levels).


	10. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was on his way to meet Yamaguchi for the first time. As he had insisted to Kuroo earlier, so many things could go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason it feels like it's been forever since I updated this, even though it's only been a month. Huh.

**Meeting**

Kuroo tightened his hand around Kei’s as they walked, but Kei cringed at the clammy feeling and yanked his away, wiping it on his pants.

“C’mon, babe, it’ll be fine!” Kuroo assured him, rubbing his shoulder gently.

He shook the hand off his shoulder, grumbling and keeping his glare directed at his phone screen. He was always like this when he got overwhelmingly nervous about things. He would act angry and stoic, and it would seem to outsiders as if he was bullying whoever he was with.  In reality he was clamming up. The reason he was so nervous? He was on his way to meet Yamaguchi for the first time. As he had insisted to Kuroo earlier, _so many things could go wrong._

He forced himself to focus on some stupid picture his mom had posted on Facebook of him, Akiteru, and her from years ago. In it, Kei had a big cheesy grin on his face, holding two peace signs above his head while his brother and mother smiled gently behind him. The picture had 53 likes, all from his mother’s friends, and 6 comments. Several people commented that his mom ‘didn’t look a day older than back then’ which he rolled his eyes at. Another said ‘I miss you guys, lots of love.’ She looked familiar. He clicked on that person’s profile and as soon as he saw the name he twitched. It was Jirou’s mother. She was still in contact with his mom. Even though they had moved away all those years ago, his mom still talked to that family. Even after what had happened.

Swallowing hard, he scrolled down the list of Jirou’s mother’s friends until he found Jirou’s profile. In the picture, he was smiling, matured looking, arms wrapped around two friends. _Smiling._ He was smiling. _How could he?_ If Jirou still remembered him... surely he did. He wondered how Jirou saw him. He wondered if Jirou cast the blame on him for what happened. Maybe Jirou was living a devout life to repent for his sins. Kei rolled his eyes at himself for coming up with that unlikely theory. He scrolled down, leaning in as he studied the second post. Here he was sitting around a campfire, leaves dusting the ground, and a girl was wrapped under his arm. They were huddled close, and they both gave small smiles to the camera. It was such an intimate picture.

How could Jirou feel okay with himself? He seemed to be in a relationship with this girl... but he had done so much to hurt Kei’s own relationships, romantic and otherwise. Also, wasn’t Jirou gay? Why was he touching that girl like that? Did the girl know what Jirou had done?

Kei pushed down the overwhelming urge to broadcast to all of Jirou’s facebook friends that **your friend is a pedophile and you should all stay away from him!** , instead bumping his shoulder against Kuroo’s for a semblance of comfort. Kuroo acknowledged him with a smile.

The next photo was of him and his family. His little sister was hugging him from the side, and he was laughing at her. _He was laughing._ He was laughing, and his eyes had crinkles, giving away that he laughed a lot. His hair had grown out from when Kei knew him, he noted, covering his eyes in wiry clumps. His braces had also disappeared, and his style had elevated from T-shirts and sport shorts to khakis and button downs. He had a beard. He looked like a regular person. He didn’t have red demon eyes or an evil smile. He was just a person. A flawed human being, making mistakes and learning, just like Kei.

“Tsukki, what are you looking at?” Kuroo asked, finally noticing that Kei was more than a little preoccupied.

For some reason, Kei didn’t pull away. He didn’t shut off his phone and tell Kuroo to mind his own business. Instead, he motioned for Kuroo to look at his phone and Kuroo peered down curiously.

“What does this guy look like to you?” Kei asked, his voice quiet. He wasn’t shaking. He was still. He felt numb.

Kuroo raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” He grabbed the phone from his hands, pulling it up to his face to squint at it. “Jeez, you keep your brightness low.”

Kei watched his boyfriend as he scrutinized the picture. “I mean... from his profile, what impression do you get of that guy?”

Kuroo hummed, scrolling to the top of his profile. “He looks kinda nerdy, I guess. He seems like a nice guy, though. Looks like he has some close friends, at least. Why? Do you know him?”

“No.” Kei said quickly, snatching his phone back. “Well,” he corrected himself, “Yes. I do know him. He’s not a nice guy. He’s a total creep.”

Something inside of Kei’s stomach hurt. Jirou was living his life as if nothing happened. Strangers would look at him and see the nice guy that smiled with his family and friends and spent time in nature. They would never see the Jirou that lured Kei under the couch and pulled his pants down when he was too young to know that he was supposed to fight back. No one would ever know the Jirou who took Kei’s innocence and didn’t even leave him with an ounce of dignity. The real Jirou that let a small child innocently go along with what he suggested, never once wondering the effect this would have on him later in his life.

Kuroo nodded hesitantly. “Alright, then...” He hesitated, “Are you feeling alright? We don’t have to mee-”

“I’m fine.” Kei took his hand back and dragged him toward the door to the coffee shop they were already approaching. Another nervous cramp tightened in his stomach. He forced it to go away before he pushed open the glass door, savoring in the burst of warm air that his skin met.

He scanned the dimly-lit coffee shop to see an old couple situated in the corner as well as a few college student lounging about with laptops. His eyes widened when he made eye contact with a familiar freckled boy, who had been whispering to a small bright-haired boy.

“They’re over there,” he muttered to Kuroo before walking forward.

Yamaguchi looked a lot more attractive in real life. Free from the yellow hue of his webcam, his skin was pale and spattered with endearing freckles. His hair was long and layered, dyed a deep color that brought out the natural shine in it. He had it in a ponytail. He was wearing a baggy sweater and long pants, a red scarf wrapped around his neck. By his side, his small boyfriend squirmed in his chair. He also had pale skin, and wide eyes that seemed to drink in everything around him. Unlike Yamaguchi, he was dressed much more casually, in a sports jacket and jeans. He had an inviting look to him, and the the way he gazed at Yamaguchi made it clear how much he cared for him. He swallowed. He was meeting Yamaguchi. His best friend. The guy who knew more about him than anyone else.

Yamaguchi broke out into a bright smile when he saw Tsukishima and waved them over.

“Hi, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi called out. Hinata cowered in the seat next him, eyes staring at them in what was either horror or amazement.

“They’re so tall and attractive, Tadashi!” He wailed loudly, clutching his arm. Kei cringed while Kuroo laughed into his hand.

Kei discreetly looked behind him to see if they were disturbing the other people in the cafe. It seemed not, to his relief.

“Hi, Yamaguchi. This is Kuroo Tetsurou.” Kuroo waved.

Yamaguchi was rubbing Hinata’s arm comfortingly but he looked up to greet Kuroo. “N-nice to meet you! This is my boyfriend Hinata Shouyou.”

Hinata had seemingly recovered from his shock upon meeting them, because he jolted forward in his seat, an easy grin on his face. “Tadashi has told me so much about you! And I heard you like volleyball!”

Kei shifted uncomfortably. “I play, yeah.”

“And he’s really good,” Kuroo chipped in, a smug grin on his face.

Kei scowled at him. “You’re better than I am!”

Hinata made a squealing noise. “You both play?!”

They both nodded, and when a wide grin split across his face Kuroo chuckled.

Yamaguchi nudged Hinata and motioned for him to quiet down, to his relief. Hinata blushed and nodded.

“Anyway, did you guys want to order anything? I’ll pay,” Kei offered, internally hoping they would turn the offer down.

Yamaguchi raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

Kei nodded. “Of course.”

“We would appreciate that, then,” the freckled boy said with a smile.

Kei stifled a sigh and walked to the counter, the group following behind him.

When they received their drinks and snacks --which left Kei’s wallet considerably lighter-- they sat down at the table the other couple was already occupying and easily fell into conversation. There was no absence of topics with Hinata’s enthusiasm for volleyball and easygoing nature.

As Kei went to take another bite of his strawberry pastry, Yamaguchi suddenly looked at him, causing something akin to suspicion to swirl in his stomach.

“What?” Kei asked, halting in his chewing.

“I just realized that you’re a lot quieter in person.”

Kei hummed in acknowledgement. He hadn’t realized that he was acting any differently than usual.

Kuroo laughed at that. “Really? Because Tsukki has talked more here than he has in the past week to me.”

The group laughed at that, and Kei scowled.

“That’s a lie,” Kei muttered after they quieted down.

Kuroo pinched his cheek playfully, and Kei flicked him in the forehead.

After Kuroo recovered from the discipline, he leaned forward onto his chin to look at Yamaguchi. “How long have you and Hinata been dating?”

They both blushed at that, and looked at each other for a moment.

“Well, it’s probably been about a month?” Yamaguchi questioned, looking at Hinata for approval.

Hinata nodded thoughtfully. “And even though we’re not technically together yet, we’ve been flirting with Kenma for about a week. Things are looking up!” He beamed.

“Really? I didn’t know you guys were openly going after him,” Kei commented, swirling a straw around his iced tea.

“Kenma?” Kuroo inquired.

“Oh. Umm, he’s a cute guy we’re trying to bring into our relationship. We’re polyamorous.” Yamaguchi spat out, his face turning crimson.

Kuroo’s eyes widened.

“You got a problem?” Hinata challenged, even though he was slowly sliding behind Yamaguchi’s back.

At Kei’s raised brow, Kuroo shook his head quickly. “No, of course not. It’s just... you guys said you’re from Miyagi, right?”

They both nodded slowly.

“Is Kenma’s last name Kozume?”

They both nodded again, slower.

“I think I know him! I moved here over the summer from a place close to Miyagi. We used to be neighbors and he and I were best friends!” Kuroo smiled, and Kei took his hand under the table, heart pounding at how cute his boyfriend looked with that excited grin on his face.

“For real?” Hinata squawked, nearly standing up from the table in his surprise.

“Yep!” Kuroo confirmed. “Badly bleached hair, antisocial, loves video games?”

“Yes!” Yamaguchi said, eyes sparkling.

Kei raised his eyebrow at the description. “And you guys like this guy, why?”

“He’s adorable!” The three responded in unison.

“This means you have to tell us how to win him over!” Hinata declared, jabbing a finger in Kuroo’s direction.

“I can’t believe my baby has people actually pursuing him romantically!” Kuroo swooned.

Kei glared at him, and he flinched. “Don’t worry, Tsukki, you’re my baby too.”

“Ew, never say that again.” Kei said, even though it secretly made his stomach clench. Why did he love verbal affection so much?

Hinata and Yamaguchi giggled in amusement, but Yamaguchi’s eyes quickly became focused. “Really though, Kuroo. This is serious. What’s his favorite food?”

“Straight to the important questions, I see...” Kuroo nodded approvingly. “Apple pie.”

“Hmmm... How do we win over his heart?” Hinata asked after a moment of thinking.

Kuroo smiled warmly. “Kenma just needs to be more comfortable around you before you make any moves. If he starts sassing you and having normal conversations with you, that usually means he isn’t scared of you.”

“Okay!” Yamaguchi grinned. “Hinata’s good at getting people to open up, we’ve got this!”

Hinata winked at him suggestively  and Yamaguchi turned bright red.

Kei wrinkled his nose. “Okay, didn’t want to know that, next topic.”

 

* * *

 

“The land is so much different here,” Yamaguchi observed as they strolled along the dirty road.

The sun was beginning to set as they made their way back to Kei’s house. The sky shone purple and red against the outline of skyscrapers in the distance. They were lucky to live in the suburbs that were close enough to the city that it was still accessible. According to the others, Miyagi was an isolated country town with only a convenience store, a school, and a hospital which was located 5 miles out.

“It’s much hillier,” Kuroo agreed. “And fake looking.”

Kei snorted. “I promise you the grass is real.”

“It’s just... too maintained-looking.” Kuroo protested.

Silence fell over them for a few minutes.

“Do you guys mind if we walk Kuroo home before we go to my place?” Kei asked.

Kuroo pressed a hand to his heart. “You’re being protective! How cute!”

Kei gave him a mildly offended look. “You always walk me home. Why is this any different?”

Kuroo patted him on the shoulder. “I’m just teasing.”

“I know,” he grumbled. “That’s the problem.”

“We don’t mind,” Yamaguchi assured him when they were done bantering.

Kei sent him a quick smile. “Thanks.”

Soon enough, they were dropping Kuroo off at his big white house, and he waved his goodbyes, assuring the couple that he would see them tomorrow and planting a big kiss on Kei’s cheek, much to his embarrassment.

As soon as Kuroo’s front door closed, Yamaguchi closed in on him, voice teasing. “So, Kuroo...”

Kei grimaced, knowing what was to come. “Yes?”

“How did you manage to land him? And how did you even end up with him? It doesn’t seem like your personalities would mesh very well...”

They started walking again, in the direction of his house.

Kei nodded in agreement. “He’s surprisingly good at reading people.”

“Which explains why he was so close to Kenma,” Hinata jumped in.

“True,” said Yamaguchi. “You guys are cute together. Kinda scary attractive together, but that’s alright. I approve of him. He treats you well, right?”

Kei covered his face with a hand. “Yes. He’s a good boyfriend.”

Yamaguchi giggled. “You’re so easy to fluster.”

Hinata wrapped an arm around Yamaguchi’s waist as they walked, drawing him closer and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“You guys are a nice couple too.” Kei admitted after a moment of watching them.

Hinata hopped a little at the praise. “Thanks. Tadashi is the best!”

“No I’m not!” Yamaguchi protested weakly.

As they approached his house, Kei stopped them. “Okay, time to go over some ground rules for staying in my house.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know the Facebook scene was pretty small, but it's probably one of the closest things to my heart because I had to go through finding my abuser's facebook and those were the thoughts that ran through my head when I saw him all grown up and happy. Also, soon after I came across his profile, I also saw this video on buzzfeed that I sincerely recommend you watch. It is extremely moving, even if you haven't been in a sexual assault situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XI_i6_ekP4  
> Yeah... he puts it into better, more poetic words than I would ever be able to. It moves me to tears every time.  
> Ummm besides that, I can't think of anything else that I wanted to say. I hope you enjoyed!


	11. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei laid his head on top of Kuroo’s and breathed in and out slowly. Soon they were breathing in synch, their eyelids drooping.  
> They were on the verge of sleep when the door opened, quietly enough that neither of them noticed, and a single set of footsteps headed towards them on the couch.  
> “Kei, I’m home!” 
> 
> or: closeted boys have a visit >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... hello there. Here's this. Update schedule in the ending notes.

**Revelations**

 

Kuroo snuggled up against Kei’s side and breathed out a relaxed sigh into his neck.

The weekend had been fun so far but also tiring, and they were both glad to get some time to themselves, no matter how fun Hinata and Yamaguchi were to hang out with. The couple seemed to sense how drained Kei was especially, so they had insisted on heading out into the city for tourist shopping today. He felt a little guilty leaving them on their own when their only reason for coming here had been to visit him, but they had left no room for arguments, and although he hated to admit it, he was a little relieved.

So here they were, on the couch with the TV playing some hyped up sci-fi film in the background. They had just sat down a few minutes ago but were very quickly relaxing into each other, Kuroo leaning sideways to pepper kisses on him every so often as they watched the show.

“I’m hungry,” Kuroo whined, clutching his stomach dramatically.

Kei looked at him with annoyance, but when Kuroo met his eye, he couldn't help but smile. “Help yourself,” he said after a moment. “You know where the pantries are.”

Kuroo wrapped his arms around Kei’s midsection, pushing him over slightly and shoving his face into Kei’s chest. “It’s too much work.”

Kei blushed wildly but didn’t attempt to push him away. He was okay with contact like this. Kuroo loved him and he loved Kuroo. There was nothing wrong with what they were doing.

“I swear to God you haven’t paid attention to a single movie we’ve watched together,” Kei grumbled. He would never admit it, but he hadn’t paid attention to any of the movies they watched either.

Kuroo smirked. “You’re more important than any movies I could ever watch.”

At that, Kei shoved his hand on Kuroo’s face to ignore the pleasant swirling in his stomach. “That was by far the sappiest thing you have ever said to me.”

Kuroo grabbed Kei’s wrist to pull his hand away from his face and leaned up to kiss his neck.

Kei reluctantly pushed him away and stood up. “I’ll go get snacks.”

“Damn, I shouldn’t have asked you,” Kuroo cursed playfully.

He just walked away, turning his back on his boyfriend to hide his smile. He was so smitten it was sickening.

He wasn’t panicking or anything today, luckily. The only reason he didn’t want to venture into making out was because he wasn’t sure when Hinata and Yamaguchi were planning on coming back, and he didn’t want them to walk in on them doing anything incriminating.

He shuffled around in the kitchen, mulling over the options before selecting a big tub of ice cream for them to share and a bag of pretzels. That was quite enough and if Kuroo wanted anything else he could actually get it himself.

He settled back on the couch with a huff, handing Kuroo a spoon and digging into the ice cream.

“Damn Tsukki, do you really think we can eat all of this?” Kuroo questioned him.

Kei gave him a side-eye. “Do you doubt me?”

Kuroo assessed the tub of ice cream before running his eyes up and down Kei’s body, then to his hand shoveling ice cream into his mouth. “I suppose I don’t.” He then picked up his spoon and joined him.

Kuroo moved the bowl so that it was shared between their laps and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leaning his head on Kei’s shoulder as he ate. Kei laid his head on top of Kuroo’s and breathed in and out slowly. Soon they were breathing in synch, their eyelids drooping.

They were on the verge of sleep when the door opened, quietly enough that neither of them noticed, and a single set of footsteps headed towards them on the couch.

“Kei, I’m home!” a voice called out, causing Kei to jump up from his comfortable position against his boyfriend.

He whipped around, heart beating wild and eyes wide as he locked gazes with Akiteru.

Kuroo slowly stood up from the couch beside him, face slack from sleep but muscles taut.

“Why are you here?” Kei said before he could process what he was saying.

Akiteru faltered as he processed the scene before him: his little brother and another boy falling asleep together on the couch, cuddling against each other. “A surprise visit from college...” he said absently, as if rehearsed. “What were you two doing?”

Kei seemed at a loss for words so Kuroo jumped in. “Watching a movie?”

“Umm..” Akiteru’s eyes narrowed as they shifted between the two teenagers and then up to the end credits rolling endlessly on the screen. “Right. And why were you all up in my brother’s space? Kei, do you want him to be here?”

Kei just stared ahead in dismay, not processing the questions that were being asked of him. His heart was so loud in his ears he was positive that Kuroo could hear it next to him.

Akiteru seemed to take his silence as an answer and stepped toward Kuroo threateningly. “What’s your name?”

“U-uh, no you have it wrong.” He bit his lip, not wanting to give their relationship away.

Kei snapped out of his daze, grabbing Kuroo’s arm and pulling him a bit closer. “He’s fine.” He was resigned to his fate; might as well rip the band-aid off quick. “This is Kuroo Tetsurou.”

Akiteru relaxed, stepping back a bit. His still looked suspicious but he was no longer on the offensive. “What was all the touchy-feely stuff?”

Kei glanced over at Kuroo for permission before speaking. “We’re dating.”

Akiteru widened his eyes at this, mouth opening and closing. “So... you’re gay?”

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god._

_“_ Yes.” His voice cracked.

He honestly didn’t know how his brother would react. It wasn’t like sexual orientation was a normal topic of discussion in the Tsukishima house, and they didn’t share their political opinions during family dinners. There was no way to tell if this would go well or not. That may have been why it felt like his heart was going to burst from his throat. His mouth was dry and his stomach suddenly churning, such a difference from just minutes ago when Kuroo’s words were giving him pleasant butterflies.

“Wow. Okay.” Akiteru said, blinking.

“Okay?” Kei repeated tentatively.

Akiteru shook his head quickly, as if shaking away his thoughts, and focused his attention on Kei. “Yes, Kei. Of course that’s okay! Why would I ever think differently?”

It felt like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders; one he didn’t even know he was carrying. Kuroo seemed to relax beside him, and he loosened his sweaty grip on his arm.

“It’s not exactly uncommon to hate gay people,” Kei mumbled, eyes on his toes.

“I’m not that bad of a brother, Kei! Sure, I’ve made some mistakes, but I’ve always accepted you, and I always will. You, on the other hand,” Akiteru turned to Kuroo, who pulled himself up to his full height, “are not out of the woods.”

Kei groaned. “Please don’t do this, Aki.”

“Why are you dating my brother?”

This question seemed to anger Kuroo. “Because I like him.”

“Do you have any other motives?” He said, stepping forward again.

Kuroo stood firm. “None that I feel inclined to share with you.”

Akiteru breathed out of his nose slowly. “If I hear a single peep from my little brother that you’ve so much as breathed the wrong way around him...” Akiteru just shook his head slowly, letting the implications fly around Kuroo’s head.

If Kuroo was intimidated, he didn’t show it. “I would never hurt Tsukki.”

“Then we shouldn’t have any problems,” he replied, his entire posture relaxing and a smile spreading on his face. “You guys are cute together. I have to pack, so go back to whatever couply things were doing! Just... keep the PDA to a minimum” he added.

Akiteru grabbed a suitcase from outside the front door and rolled it to his room to begin unpacking while Kei and Kuroo slowly sunk back into the couch cushion, shaken.

As they listened in silence to Akiteru loudly bang open drawers and stomp around his room, Kei snickered. “How did we not hear him come in?”

Kuroo whistled. “That was terrifying. He’s absurdly protective of you.”

Kei hummed. “ I guess so. I’ve never seen him like that. He’s generally an easygoing guy.”

“Well, not all the time, apparently.”

Kei took Kuroo’s hand, feeling a tug of guilt at how clammy it was. He wanted to apologize for the scare, but he couldn't seem to get the words out of his mouth so he opted instead to plant a chaste kiss on his lips and give him a tight hug.

“Thanks, sweetie.”

Kei pulled away with a glare. ‘I dare you to call me that again.”

Kuroo opened his mouth to respond, but a sharpened glare from Kei shut him up.

They both resumed watching the movie without touching now that Akiteru was here. Kei relented, resting his hand on top of Kuroo’s, which he eagerly accepted.

* * *

 

 

“Mind if I join you two?” Akiteru asked, walking into the living room.

Kei looked up, struggling to make eye contact at the thought of what had just been revealed. “Nope. You done unpacking?” He applauded himself; he had succeeded in sounding casual.

Akiteru nodded, sinking into the couch next to them. “Yep, I’m only here for a few days, so...”

Kei nodded, and after a few moments of silence, he went back to watching the movie.

“So...” Akiteru began hesitantly.

Both of the teenagers turned to look at him curiously.

“Since I kinda...forced you guys to spill about your relationship when you obviously didn’t want to, it’s only fair if I tell you about my relationship too...”

Kei raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have a relationship.”

Akiteru raised a finger, “You _thought_ I didn’t have a relationship.”

“My lord...” He facepalmed. The Tsukishima parents had been bugging Akiteru for _months_ ever since he left for college that he needed to get a girlfriend. His brother had always shrugged off and ignored the complaints. “How long have you been dating?”

Akiteru smiled sheepishly. “A little under two years?”

“ _Are you kidding me?_ Imagine how many fights with mom and dad you could have avoided, and how much nicer they would have been to yo-”

“I don’t want them to know because then they’ll want to meet her.  I just don’t like it when they’re nosy. And they’re always nosy.”

“How could you have never told me!” Kei wailed, clutching Kuroos arm for emotional support. “I wouldn’t have told!”

Akiteru shrugged, grinning at his emotional turmoil. “I just didn’t wanna risk it. But I thought it was only fair to tell you now that I know about you and... Kuroo.”

Kuroo laughed softly next to him, shaking Kei free of his arm. “I wish I had siblings.”

Kei stopped being dramatic in order to look Kuroo in the eye. “Trust me. You do not want siblings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... if anybody actually cares why I was absent, basically school happened. As in, the hardest year of my life happened and I literally don't have interests anymore like literally I am a human who goes to school, goes to her extracurriculars, does her homework, and then sleeps and repeats. So yeah I had my first free weekend in a looo o o ong time and went and wrote like 3 chapters and I'm super excited that I'm finally able to contribute to this fic because it means so much to me. If you're still with me after so much time, thank you for waiting, it really does mean a lot.  
> Oh also I don't have a beta anymore so this is completely self edited. let me know if you see any typos and I'll fix them
> 
> My update schedule moving forward, so this doesn't happen again:  
> I am posting on the 20th of each month. Updates will be slow, but constant. This is officially off hiatus.


	12. Tidal Wave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And suddenly it can't be held back anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow what's an "update schedule?"  
> Idk either man
> 
> (also tw because there's another flashback scene but it's just emotions no actual action. Comment or email me if you have any questions about it though)

_ We all crowded into the kitchen and Akiteru grabbed a box of cookies out of the pantry before they sat in front of the window to wait for his friend’s ride. I spaced out a bit while they joked with each other and in my daze found myself wandering through the house. When I finally realized what I was doing, I was halfway down to the room where Jirou had touched me. I could still hear their laughing voices slightly muffled upstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I ran into my mom who was holding a basket of folded laundry.  _

_ “What are you up to, Kei?” she asked, her warm eyes crinkling with a smile.  _

_ “Akiteru and his friends are being boring so I was gonna find something else to do,” I explained to her, a smile on my face. _

_ She nodded. “What did you guys do?” _

_ “We played Tales of Symphonia!” I threw my hands up in the air with excitement.  _

_ “That’s fun. They were nice to you, right?” Her tone lowered. Sometimes Akiteru would get fed up with me and kick me out of the basement to go play by myself. I would get upset when he did that, but I loved my brother so I never argued with him. _

_ “Yeah! Although...” I hesitated. “I didn’t actually get to play much today...” My gaze went to the floor. Even at the reminder, a little wave of disappointed weighed in my stomach like led. After all, I didn’t get too many chances to play the game when Aki’s friends weren’t over.  _

_ She put a hand on my shoulder. “Why not, honey?” _

_ I bit my lip. “Promise you won’t tell Jirou I told? Or Akiteru because he’d tell Jirou?” I played with the hem of my shirt. It was okay to tell my mom, wasn’t it? _

_ She nodded. “Of course, honey. What happened?”  _

_ “Well, Jirou took me aside and touched me.” It came out of my mouth before I could even think about it.  I just gave away our secret! _

_ My mom’s eyes flew open wider than I had ever seen before.  _

_ “Th-that’s okay, right?” I stammered. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her if I was going to get him into trouble. _

_ My mother’s brow creased. “Where... exactly did he... touch you?” Her voice was low and serious. _

_ I pointed to my crotch, my head down, and saw her lower lip wobble in my peripherals.  _

_ “Tell me exactly what happened, Kei.” Her tone is icy and I don’t dare argue. Not listening to mom when she was like this was dangerous.  _

_ “Well we were playing but then we went under the couch and he pulled my pants down and he touched me and then we went in there,” I pointed to the other room, “and he did it more.” _

_ I didn’t know why I was blushing so hard. _

_ “Is it bad?” I asked her again. _

_ She nodded, her frown deepening. “Yes, Kei, that’s bad.” She took a shaky breath and my eyes began to blur with tears.  _

_ “Are you mad at me?” I almost whimpered. _

_ She wrapped my body in her warm arms, and I relaxed a bit. “No, of course not.” _

_ I nodded and bit my lip as released me from the hug without another word. _

_ She walked up the stairs quickly into my father’s office and I followed close behind, stopping in the doorway to listen in on their conversation but not be part of it.  _

_ His face darkened as she spoke and he nodded in understanding. When they finished talking quietly to each other mom turned back to me. _

_ “Thank you for telling me, Kei. That won’t happen again, don’t worry.” My mother assured me. I nodded but frowned. It’s not like it was particularly painful or scary, just a bit boring. I wasn’t worried about it happening again, it would just be annoying. I’d rather play Tales of Symphonia. _

_ My father finally spoke to me. “If this happens again, tell us right away. That boy isn’t allowed at our house anymore.” _

_ I nodded again, face pale and hands shaking. Why were my parents so angry? And what if Jirou got mad at me?  _

_ “I’m going to go ahead and put dinner on the stove.” My mother said under her breath. Her eyes were unfocused but she flew towards kitchen like her life depended on it.  _

_ I followed her to the kitchen, unsure of what to do. I felt too guilty to talk to Akiteru right now after telling on his friend and I wasn’t in the mood for playing after seeing my parents act so serious. I reluctantly climbed up onto one of the stools next to the counter and watched as my mother clanged and banged with pots and dishes. Within an hour dinner was ready. _

_ My mother called for the family to come and slowly they emerged, Akiteru joining us when the last of his friends got picked up. We had rice and stir fry tonight, my favorite. But somehow I didn’t feel like eating it. There was a heaviness in the air that I picked up on even as a young kid who was sometimes oblivious to other’s emotions. _

_ My father cleared his throat and the table looked to him. “Akiteru. Your friend Jirou is not allowed over anymore.” His voice was firm. _

_ Akiteru’s eyebrows creased and he leaned forward in his seat. “Why? You can’t just say who I can and can’t hang out with! And what’s he ever done to you?” He spoke almost desperately. His eyes were narrowed, hands clenched. It was obvious he was angry. _

_ I just stared at my plate as a lump formed in my throat. I wanted to leave. _

_ “We’ll let you go over to his house still. We just don’t want him here,” my mother assured him. _

_ My brother just stared at them with a gaping mouth. _

_ “I’ve already talked to his parents. The decision is final.” My father’s voice was deeper now, a little threat looming behind his civil words. _

_ Akiteru shoved his seat back and stood up with his plate of food and stomped to the sink to put his dish away before storming upstairs. “I can’t believe you guys!” he yelled down the stairs at us. The family listened in silence as thudding footsteps boomed across the ceiling above us and Akiteru’s door slammed shut.  _

_ My mother put her hands to her face and pressed her fingers to her temples. “You could have said it a bit nicer.” Her voice was soft and not very accusing at all despite her words. _

_ “We’re telling him the same thing either way. He was bound to be angry without an explanation.” My dad almost snapped at her. _

_ My face scrunched in confusion. “Why don’t you just tell him?” _

_ My parent’s faces softened and my mother spoke gently. “If you choose to tell him that is your decision, but we aren’t going to tell him for you.” _

_ I nodded, but still felt confused. It wasn’t that big of a deal. At least at the time, I didn’t think so. _

_ I pushed out of my seat and clambered up the stairs after Akiteru. I knocked on the door hesitantly. I wanted to talk to him but I wasn’t sure if he was still mad. _

_ “Come in.” His voice was gruff. _

_ I opened the door a crack and  peered in to see him aggressively typing on his laptop. When I walked in he looked at me before returning his glare to the screen.  _

_ “I know why he’s not allowed to come over anymore...” I was planning on flaunting it and making him beg for me to tell him, but my voice came out in a mumble.  _

_ He didn’t look up at me. “I honestly don’t want to hear it right now, Kei.” _

_ I gulped and nodded before turning around and leaving the room. I didn’t know if I should be disappointed or relieved.  _

_ When I went to sleep that night I couldn’t help but clutch my blankets closer. The light tick of the grandfather clock down the hallway and my breathing filled the room, along with the occasional rustle of sheets. I hoped Jirou wasn’t too mad at me. And I didn’t know why my parents were so sad. And why they had to make Jirou go away. Or why Akiteru was so mad at me. Who was I kidding? I knew why. This was all my fault. If only I had just kept my mouth shut _

* * *

 

Yamaguchi cleared his throat and set down his chopsticks, addressing the rest of the table with warm eyes. “I just wanted to thank you all so much for letting me stay here this weekend. I’m not gonna lie, I was really nervous at first and didn’t know what to expect, but I’m so glad I took a chance and met you. You and your family have been so welcoming, and I am already looking forward to getting to visit you again.”

“Stop, I’m gonna get emotional!” Hinata wailed, shoving at Yamaguchi.

Kei cleared his throat pointedly, glaring at them until they relented and got off of each other. He felt nervous about their every move when they were in the same room as his parents. 

“Oh sweetie, it was so nice having you. You could teach a thing or two about manners to my son, actually.”

Yamaguchi smiled politely, but Kei swore to god he shot a short smirk in his direction when his mom looked away. The devil. 

“Thanks for coming. It was really fun,” Kei forced out.

The couple smiled. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Okay, enjoy the meal now. Leave the goodbyes for later,” Kei said when he felt his throat start to tighten up. 

The group dug in enthusiastically. Kei, on the other hand, was forcing himself to eat. His stomach was swirling. After this amazing weekend, he would be shoved back into reality, where no one knew who he really was and he lived his life in hiding. He already missed the pair and they hadn’t even left yet.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pried it out and peered at it from under the table. His stomach loosened slightly. It was Kuroo.

_ Want to come over tonight after your friends leave? _

He smiled and tapped out a short response before sliding his phone away and reemerging into the conversation.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh, our train is here!” Hinata called out from his spot at the train map. 

      The three friends stood on the concrete train terminal, hair whipping around them as the bullet train screeched to a stop. 

“Alright,” Yamaguchi replied quietly, barely audible over the sound of trains and chatter around them. 

Kei forced himself to get up with Yamaguchi as they walked toward the platform. “I’m gonna miss you guys. Seriously. Thanks for coming.”

“Thank you!” Yamaguchi said, staring at his toes. “I hope to see you again soon.”

Yamaguchi looked up, then at his toes again, and finally dove toward Kei for a huge hug. Kei hesitantly returned the hug, his arms wrapping around Yamaguchi’s shoulders loosely. He didn't even really spend too long contemplating what the strangers around him thought of the spectacle. He just squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pretend they weren't leaving. Eventually, they pulled back. Kei had a small smile on his face, and looked into his friend’s eyes. 

     After a moment of obvious internal debate, Yamaguchi leaned in toward his ear. “I’m glad you’re happy with him,” he whispered quietly, voice serious.

When they pulled back, Kei tried his hardest to return Yamaguchi’s bright, vivacious, genuine smile that Kei wished he could have as images of Jirou flashed through his mind. He pushed those thoughts away. Now wasn’t the time for that. 

“Well, see you soon,” Kei finally said. 

“Bye!” 

 

* * *

 

“Kei, the doorbell rang!” his mom called from the living room. 

Kei groaned but pushed himself up from his desk chair. He already genuinely missed Yamaguchi and Hinata, but luckily Kuroo seemed to have predicted that and offered to spend time with him. He was honesty looking forward to it. 

He padded barefoot to the front door, smiling at Kuroo when he opened the door. 

“Hey bud,” Kuroo said with a easy smile.

“Bud? That’s a new level of no,” Kei scowled, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“How are you doing?” Kuroo inquired as he kicked off his shoes.

Kei shrugged, and led him to the basement. 

As soon as the door closed behind them, Kuroo grabbed his hand to turn him around, and pecked his cheek gently. He felt his face redden but decided not to address it. 

Kei sat on the couch and patted the seat next to him- Kuroo obliged. 

“What do you want to do?” Kuroo asked after a moment or two of silence. 

Kei let his gaze drag over Kuroo’s body hungrily in response, and at that Kuroo scooted closer to him with a grin and gently kissed him on the lips. Kei responded eagerly, moving his lips against his boyfriends with a clumsy eagerness he could usually hide. 

Kuroo was running his hands up and down Kei’s body, humming in pleasure as Kei pushed his leg over Kuroo’s lap so he was straddling him against the back of the couch. 

Kei was touching- so much touching- his soft cheek, the silky strands of hair on the back of his neck, his thick arms. He could feel the touch from below- Kuroo’s firm, athletic thighs against his own, the arousal against him that was hard to ignore. Their mouths slotted together perfectly, and Kei opened his mouth as he smoothed his hands over Kuroo’s firm chest and abs, shuddering in a gasp as Kuroo responded by jolting up against him with a groan. 

“You’re so hot, what the fuck,” Kuroo choked. 

Then Kuroo grabbed his hips and ground against him, and a wave of pleasure and nausea hit Kei synchronously. He whined in the back of his throat, but pushed back from his boyfriend.

“You need to stop?” Kuroo asked, and he was trying to sound unbothered but the disappointment was clear in his tone.

Kei couldn't meet his eyes, the guilt and regret rolling through him. He wrung his hands and tried to take a subtle deep breath. He needed to tell him. It was obviously killing Kuroo to feel so ignorant- to feel like he was doing something wrong every time they got intimate, and even though he had told Yamaguchi over the phone, he still felt like it was bottled up inside of him, ready to explode at any moment. He’d rather not let it get to that point. He knew he trusted Kuroo, and knew that Kuroo wouldn’t be mad at him for it. All that was holding him back was his own, selfish fear of rejection, and he wasn’t going to let that taint their relationship any longer.

“Can I try and explain something to you?” he asked hesitantly, and cursed himself immediately. That sounded so condescending, Kuroo was going to get mad at him, how was he goi-

“Of course, what’s up?” Duh, he knew Kuroo wasn’t that easily offended. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. His heartbeat slowed down, if only slightly. It felt like a drum resounding through his entire body. 

“You know the-the issues we have? Or... more that I have? With the kissing and intimacy? And stuff like that?” Kei tried to swallow, but his mouth was dry and his tongue felt like a big lump in his mouth. 

“...Yeah, what about it?” Kuroo said when Kei didn’t continue, peering into his eyes with concern. At some point he had grabbed Kei’s hand, maybe in support. It felt sweaty. He fought the urge to pull away. 

“Well, I guess I wanted to tell you why I’m so... like that.”

Kuroo didn’t respond, just continued to look at him, gaze a boulder of confidence that they both knew, at least to some extent, Kei needed right now. 

Kei took a shuddering breath before forcing himself to continue. “When I was younger, someone took advantage of me. And- well- that’s why... you know. I suck at this stuff.”

Kuroo’s eyebrows furrowed, and then his eyes hardened. “Took advantage of you... sexually? You’re kidding, right?”

Kei broke eye contact, staring at a really interesting crack in the ceiling. “No. I’m not kidding.”

“Seriously?” He was silent for a moment, and seeing Kei’s insistence, he loosened his gaze, eyes dropping to his lap as he took in what his boyfriend had told him. “Oh. Wow. Well then. That was not what I was expecting.”

Kei didn’t know how to take that. He didn’t know what reaction he was expecting from Kuroo, but that certainly wasn’t it. 

          It was Kuroo who pulled away this time, standing up to pace the few feet in front of the couch. Kuroo laughed, high and unsteady, as he grasped his hair and shook his head. “And here I thought you were gonna tell me you were straight, after all.” He laughed again, before turning abruptly back towards Kei. 

His heartbeat picked up again as Kuroo rubbed his hands over his face, murmuring

to himself. Kei was just about ready to pick up and flee the room, when Kuroo was hugging him, warm and strong like he always was, a gentle hand stroking through his hair. The voice he heard, though, was shaky. “I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been so assertive with you. If I had known, I never would have tri-”

Kei shoved Kuroo away from him, eyes blazing with anger. 

“I’m sor-” Kuroo started.

“Don’t you dare. Just because I told you this doesn’t mean you get to regret every moment we’ve had together. Every time I’ve felt uncomfortable, I’ve told you. Everything we have done was mutual. So don’t apologize for what we’ve done, because that’s just invalidating everything that we’re built off of. I didn’t tell you this so you would feel guilty, or feel sorry for me. I told you because I felt that I was hurting you, and hurting us, by leaving you in the dark with it, and I knew you needed an explanation for why I always clam up. And most importantly, i just needed to tell someone. I've kept it inside for so long, and you're the first person in real life that I've ever told. So don’t stop doing what you do, because I love it. Please. I don’t want this to change us.”

Tears swam in Kuroo’s eyes, and he grabbed both of Kei’s hands in his. “I-I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry. I’m honestly just so new to this idea, and I didn’t like the idea of even making you uncomfortable. I would never stop touching you, and kissing you- unless you didn’t want to, of course- but that’s not the point. The point is, I love you, and I only want the best for you, and whoever the motherfucker is who hurt you, I will hunt them down and beat them up for you if that's what it takes for you to feel comfortable again.” Kuroo’s hands squeezed at that declaration, his eyes shining with sincerity. 

Kei almost laughed, but the reality of what Kuroo said washed over him. He loved him. He loved him. Even though- no. 

Kei leaned over and kissed him softly, lips soft but so heavy and never more genuine did a kiss feel between them. 

When he pulled back, Kuroo wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back so they were lying side by side on the couch. His hands were still stroking through his hair gently, and Kei closed his eyes at the comforting feeling. He wrapped his own arms around Kuroo’s back and relaxed against him, savoring the warmth with no pressure to give anything he didn’t want to give. 

A few moments of silence passed, and then Kuroo was taking a breath. “Tsukki, I really hope you don’t mind that I’m asking you this, and feel free not to answer if you don’t want to, but... what happened, exactly? To you? It's just... I can't stop thinking about it. ” Kei could feel his warm breath against his ear as he spoke, almost ticklish. 

“I don’t mind,” he said softly. He toyed his lower lip between his teeth, trying to think of how to start. 

      “What happened... I was playing with my older brother and his friends, and one of them decided he wanted to experiment with his sexuality. With me.”

Another moment of silence. “How old were you?”

“I don’t know. Six or seven, maybe? I can’t even remember, to be completely honest.” He was ashamed. 

“Oh my god.”

Kei laughed bitterly. “I know. I actually completely erased it from my own memory until my mom brought it up to me a few years ago. To ask me if I wanted therapy. For a thing I didn’t even know happened to me. But then I did.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Yeah. Once she realized I hadn’t even remember it, she never brought it up again. Never asked if I wanted therapy again either. And my entire family treats me like I’m glass because of what happened. Like I’m helpless and naive and can’t stand up for myself. You saw what happened when my brother saw us cuddling. He just assumed you were like... I don't even know... forcing cuddles on me? I’m over six foot and an athletic man, and my parents still see me as a helpless child who doesn’t know how to say no.”

The hands brushing through his hair stop. “Do they know how you feel about that?”

Kei shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m never, ever going to bring it up to them, though.”

“I get why that could be hard.”

“Me too.”

Kuroo chuckled dryly. 

“Is your brother still friends with him?”

“Probably not. He moved away a year or so after it happened, and our families kind of lost connection since then.”

“What sick, disgusting fuck would try anything with a 7 year old?” Kuroo spat, trailing fingers tightening briefly against his back.

“Jirou.”

Kuroo fell silent at that. 

After that, not a whole lot was spoken between them that night. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though. It was just simple. And Kei was perfectly okay with that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uhhh  
> Uhhh  
> My computer broke? Like I haven't had one all summer like I literally edited this and posted it on my phone. Also a breakup happened? It made me sad? And then I went to Japan which was just incredible. So yeah sorry but I hope you enjoyed anyway  
> Anybody else loving Desr Evan Hansen? No just me alright I'll stop

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own childhood experiences, and I was originally not going to post, but since I put so much work into it I decided to share it with others who may relate to Kei's story, or want to learn how to help. 
> 
> haikiuyu.tumblr.com  
> Please comment so I know what you guys like and want me to do differently!


End file.
